Wednesday, March 28, 2012

treasure

jadi ya guys,
beneran deh,
pilih sahabat dulu yang bener sebelum milih pacar apalagi calon suami.

karena menjaga hubungan persahabatan dan pertemanan itu jauh lebih rumit dan sensitif dibanding pacaran.

emang sih ada pilihan you and me against the world.

kenapa butuh teman yang solid?
karena teman ada sebelum kamu ketemu si pacar, selama kamu menjaga hubungan sama si calon, dan siap menangkap saat kamu putus sama suami.

jadi,
kalo saran saya mah, saat kamu sudah menemukan teman-teman yang lebih keras kepala dari kamu dan kamu merasa dihargai, dibutuhkan dan bisa menjadi lebih baik karena mereka, treasure them.
embrace them, make them feel important too.

you don't have to share all of your secrets to them. just do what you think is right.
pasti kalian juga punya pertimbangan masing2 kan soal apa kapan dan siapa untuk bercerita?
dan posisikan diri juga untuk ngerti kalo sikap salah satu teman kamu aneh.

hahh..sebenernya saya bukan orang yang tepat sih untuk berbicara soal teman.
tapi yah..pandangan adalah pandangan.

Monday, March 19, 2012

mungkin

seperti bertahan, bergantung kepada satu kenangan.
berusaha untuk terus mengingatnya, mengulang lagi tiap detailnya di dalam kepala.
terus dan terus, agar kenangan itu tidak hilang.
tapi waktu tetap menggerogoti, dan semuanya pudar perlahan.
tapi kau terus bertahan dengan terus menginganya lagi dan lagi.
karena kamu takut bila kamu lupa dengan detailnya,
maka kamu akan lupa dengan perasaan mu.

lalu kamu bertemu dengannya kembali.
dan hati mu melesak.
nafasmu memendek.
tangan mu menjadi dingin.
dan matamu lelah mencuri pandang.

lalu kamu terus berteriak bahwa ingatan itu nyata.
bahwa itu adalah memori, bukan bayangan.
bahwa perasaan mu itu nyata dan masih ada.
dan kamu tidak ingin mengakui bahwa sebenarnya,
mungkin semmua hanya semu.

mungkin.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

haha. sukurin.

sayang itu sayang,
dan move on itu pasti.

aku memang selalu bilang,
tidak ada yang harus di dunia ini.
tapi move on itu pasti,
karena waktu itu tidak menunggu.

mungkin sekarang aku menunggu
mungkin besok aku ditarik pergi.
mungkin sekarang aku sayang kamu.
mungkin besok aku lupa siapa aku.

aku punya banyak semoga.
aku akan kasih kamu satu semoga.
semoga aku ada di pilihan pertama,
saat orang itu tidak kunjung datang.

haha.
sukurin.

past.

isn't it sad, thinking about memories of old times always succeed to sooth me.
like when i woke up tonight, i felt so miserable, empty and confused.
searching for old friends that i knew they've known me for a long time.
talking with somebody who've said that he's willing to understands me.
but still the hole inside me is gnawing gently.

then the music of past playing on my shuffled playlist.
returning the good old days of my younger years.
returning the feeling of being the old me.
the young me that still think innocently about life.
and it soothes me.

that i've been in a better places.
that i've felt a better feelings.
that i've met a lot of nice people.
that i've loved more than once.
that i've been loved more than once.

now i'm longing.

because i know those days won't come back.
i just have to build the new one.
i have to achieve those good old days once more.
in the future.

when i'm not certain about the future,
i just have to dip my whole into the past.
it'll revive me.
it never fails me.

good old times.
good old pals.
good old musics.
good old memories.

past.

i owe you my whole life.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

someone

expecting someone as in...um,
this someone is already on the way to pick you up.. soon?

keep expecting, i wish you the very best luck.
but if he's not coming, then..
you can look back, at me.

i'm here.
standing where i am now.
if you don't mind,
you can walk by my side.

if that someone can make you happy,
then good.
but if he's not coming,
then c'mere.

i'll roam around,
but i won't be too far.
still on your sight range.
until you off with that someone.

Monday, March 12, 2012

haha. so funny.

i think i'm scared now.
i'm so scared.
that i feel i'm a real freak, nobody wants to try to understands me.
and it will always be me, who tried to understands them.
to always do what they expect me to do.
it is so scary.

i'm a real complicated, yet i feel like i'm not that complicated.
the reason behind my weird act was actually really simple.
i'm just a scared kid.
scared of the world.
i hurt too many people.
i've been hurt by many people too.
i thought it would never affect me.
but i'm not getting better,
i'm being worse.

i thought i got stronger,
but no.
not at all.
what am i to do?

i'm not a good friend,
why should i expect to have a good friend?
maybe they're good, so it's logic if they leave me.
why should they stand by my side?
i'm useless.
i'm rude.

i'm just, not worthy.
right?
nobody can stands me.
haha, it's understandable.
even i can't stand me.

haha.
so funny.

smile!

rasanya seperti sesuatu yang berharga, yang sangat berharga, yang kamu simpan dan jaga baik-baik.
meski dalam hati sangat ingin kamu pamerkan ke semua orang, tapi kamu tahan-tahan karena kamu tahu kalau kamu lakukan, maka sesuatu itu akan hilang.
atau lebih tepatnya, tidak akan terjadi.

meski kamu sudah tau bahwa hal itu tidak akan terjadi,
tapi setidaknya kali ini kamu sudah berusaha untuk tidak menggembar-gembor kan sebelum ada kepastian.

rasanya seperti hal penting yang kamu simpan dan tahan baik-baik agar tidak habis, tiba-tiba dihabiskan oleh orang lain. dalam semalam. tanpa segan-segan.
kamu tahu betapa kesalnya saya?

gw nahan untuk ga cerita itu, selain karena itu bukan hal yang pantas untuk diceritakan, tapi aku juga kasihan sama orang itu.
aku merasa semakin bersalah.
dia pasti malu.
memang orang-orang ga akan bahas depan dia, tapi justru lebih buruk.
diomongin di belakang.
dan tentu saja, ditertawakan.

sahabat ya?
bukannya justru harusnya lebih mengerti ya?
aku memang bukan yang paling dekat.
apa aku sudah bersikap seakan aku sangat percaya pada kalian?
tidak.
aku masih selalu merasa seperti orang lain.
dan kali ini,
aku tidak akan meminta maaf.

aku tahu ini karma ku.
karena aku tahu, aku jadi bisa ambil pelajaran dan semakin tercerahkan,
tapi tetap aku akan mengijinkan diriku untuk merasa kesal.
dan malu.

aku kasihan sama dia.
lebih kasihan sama diri sendiri.
karena nampaknya sebentar lagi aku sudah tidak akan punya teman lagi.
tentu saja karena aku terlalu menaruh percaya pada mereka.
tentu saja karena aku yang mendorong mereka untuk menjauh.

kalau soal teman, aku memang sensitif.
lebih banyak kriteria untuk teman daripada untuk pacar.
lebih susah menjadi teman yang baik, daripada jadi pacar yang baik.
ngerti kan?

tidak heran aku sedirian dan memunggungi dunia.

:)

Sunday, March 11, 2012

we pretend

saat kamu mencoba menjadi cewe keren.
yang walalu sakit tapi tidak ingin orang tau.
yang ingin tampak kuat di depan orang-orang padahal sebenarnya kamu sudah hampir gila.
tapi itu bukan karakter mu.

ya.
sayangnya kamu butuh perhatian mereka.
perhatian itu adalah sumber energi mu.
jadi awalnya kamu akan pura-pura kuat.
tampak keren, seakan semua masalah adalah remeh,
dan kamu bisa menghadapi semuanya dengan senyum.

lalu saat perhatian padamu mulai berkurang,
kamu akan bercerita kepada mereka.
memancing pertanyaan.
memasang muka sedih dan sakit hati.
saat seharusnya luka itu sudah mulai sembuh.
dan kata-kata hiburan dari tiap orang kamu nikmati,
dan beberapa kamu tertawakan dalam hati.

kamu benci saat orang bilang kamu kuat.
karena kalau kamu kuat, maka tidak banyak perhatian yang mereka berikan padamu.
karena kalau kamu kuat, mereka akan menyakiti mu dengan lebih ringan,
tanpa beban kamu akan menjadi cacat.
masalahnya kamu tahu bahwa kamu kuat.
tapi kuat mu itu semu.

di luar kamu memang kuat,
tapi itu hanya selongsong.
kamu sudah kering dan keropos di dalam.
lalu kamu berharap kalau kamu bisa menjadi kuat.

lalu kamu memandang rendah semuanya.
agar kau bisa merasa di atas, kau memandang rendah semuanya.
tapi kamu tau itu hanya sejenak, maka kamu nikmati waktu itu.
kamu merasa semuanya bodoh, dan hanya kamu sendiri yang mengerti semuanya.
ada nama untuk keadaan itu. membohongi diri sendiri.

2 minutes kiss

you know that i like you, like you. don't you?
i don't know your answer.
what i know is, i leaned and thrust my lips against yours.
and you kissed me back.

and i can still feel them.
and i still don't know your answer.
what i know is, i really like you, like you.
what i can understand is, you didn't like me, like me.

i just remember the first two seconds.
i can't remember how it ends.
but i like you, like you.
though you don't like me, like me.

but it's okay.
at least i've steal your kiss.
for two minutes long.
thank you, alcohol.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

tears and all

because i hear what i wanna hear.
because i see what i wanna see.
because i feel what i wanna feel.
because i live how i wanna live.

because when i encounter something that didn't match what i wanted it to be,
my brain will automatically erase it.
or edited it, so my heart didn't get too much damage from it.

tonight, i wish someone was looking for me.
wish someone thinking about me and asked them self where have i been.
and not only thinking, they also texted me and ask where were i.
say that they suddenly think about me, and missed me.

how can i feel important when i can't see them proving?
but then again, maybe someone did say they missed me,
but i ignored it because they're not the one i wanted.

silly  me.
yes i am silly, stop telling me what am i.
i know what i am.
it's just.. sad.

i feel lonely.
yeah.
i'm choking now.
tears and all.

sepi cuy


ujian. 
hidup itu ujian. ukh, apa ini baru awal nulis sudah kelam.
tadi abis nonton Thor, trus jadi sadar bahwa bumi itu sebenarnya emang tempat pengasingan, tempat untuk menghukum, tempat pembuangan pembangkang, tempat untuk introspeksi diri.
kalo kata buku-buku agama cerita nabi adam memang benar sih, ya berarti dari awal tempat ini memang tempat untuk orang terhukum yang dibuang dari tempat asalnya ya. 
hahaha, sudah ga perlu dipikirin lebih lanjut. notes ini bukan soal itu ko.

sepi, juga bentuk ujian. doh.
ingat-ingat siapa orang pertama yang pengen dihubungi, dan kenapa?
saat tempat tinggal jauh dari mana-mana.
dan sama-sama malas menghampiri.

sepi itu saat ngemil enak tapi ga bisa pamer.
sepi itu pengen dicari tapi akhirnya selalu nyari duluan. dan gagal.
sendirian emang ga selalu berarti kesepian, sih.
dan tipis perbedaan antara sepi dan bosan.

harga diri dan rasa malu.
ditambah rasa malas yang berlebihan.
berharap ada yang mengajak tapi, hei, tempat tinggal saya jauh.
merepotkan.

Friday, March 09, 2012

janji janji jangki

what am i trying to do now?
i'm trying to forget someone.
someone i've never have.
because he's so fine.

for me, he's perfect.
the perfect guy.
but, alas.
life loves me too much.

i just wanted to know,
did he answer me
when i told him that i
like him like him?

what did he do
during that 2 minutes?
did he reacted?
how?

what am i trying to do?
i'm trying to dry up my feelings.
so i'll keep talking about it,
'till it dries.

if he wants me too,
i'll give him an honest answer.
i am worthy.
bukan cuma janji janji jangki.

Wednesday, March 07, 2012

black out

because i'm the wolf, used to be pretending as a sheep.
but it was a long ago now my sheep fur starts to falling off my body, exposing my filthy greyish wolf fur. i don't know why i still keep using this old sheep fur, for the truth of me being a wolf is like a common secret in this huge village.

lately, an ordinary boy has caught my attention. he's not a little boy, so i just call him medium grey riding-hood. maybe everybody think that there's nothing special about this boy. his face is fine, he's nice to his kind, ordinary. but not for me. i don't know what makes me think he's different, what makes him caught my interest. maybe because he's so ordinary nobody's thinking about ...owning him.

and now, as me lurking in the forrest and he likes to wandering around here with his friends, i'm starting to want to know about him more. but not by talking to him, just watching. how he talk to his friends, how he react to his friend's stories, how he listened.. for me, it's very interesting, makes me sure that he's not an ordinary boy. there's something precious about him that i wanted.

i'm the wolf, he's the nice boy. i never wanted to ...touch him. i mean, i was scared if i touched him i might spoil him. so, when we started to talk, chat, i was so happy. i even feel my sheep fur is getting thick again. i never wanted more, or maybe i wanted more but i never thought about it much, because i was thinking it was impossible. i really enjoy his companion, though we never go anywhere alone, but i'm okay with it.

so, one day i introduced him to my friends. he get along with them. we meet, we chat, we drink, we got drunk.  then my wolf fur getting thicker, leaving my sheep shape i'm totally turning into my true self. the wolf. the filthy wolf. then i start getting out of control. and i want him, i want him, and look in the mirror, then i look at the boy. 'do you know that i really like you like you?'
i think i scared him all right.

black out.



-the end.

i d k

i'm still afraid to know the truth.
any truth.
the scariest thing for me is being confronted with the bitter truth.
i'm slowly turning off my curiosity.
because if i dig for the truth, i know there'll be something that's gonna hurt me.
and i've had enough pain without searching for it.

like, there's this guy that i like so much.
it never occur to me to search about him.
to read what he wrote, to see what he saw..
i just enjoyed his presence.
until that time. ...

now i really want to know about him,
but i'm still scared to dig about him.
it's been quiet a long time since i act like this.
even with my last ex, i didn't want to know about him this much.

i just didn't know what to do.
i feel like a boy who really like a girl but doesn't want to scare her away, you know?
i want to understand and know her better, but i'm afraid.
...
i don't know.

25

so.
25 it is.
turning point, i suppose?

kejutan dan putaran tak terduga di penghujung umur 24 mulai aku lihat sebagai hadiah dari hidup.
life loves me, that's why it teases me a lot.
but the spotlight has been turned off now.
setelah perhatian penuh lalu sekarang diam. 25 sudah mendarat berat dan perlahan di tengah perut saya menunggu untuk dikerjakan. menunggu rencana-rencana dan keputusan bijak.

yah keputusan pertama saya adalah quit smoking.

sedangkan achievement-achievement lainnya...masih belum tau.
banyak yang saya inginkan, tapi tidak ada usaha menuju kesana.
bahkan fokus ke yang sudah saya punya sekarang saja sulit.

terlalu menganggap enteng hidup. terlalu santai. terlalu memanjakan nurani. terlalu ingin menjadi orang lain.

sehabis 25, semua akan berjalan secepat cahaya. dan tiba-tiba besok saya bangun tengah malam di umur 33. terkejut dan menangis karena masih berada di titik yang sama. ya ampun, jangan sampe deh ya. amit-amit.

sekarang rasanya seperti di-reset. kosong lagi.
kemarin pesta hiruk pikuk dan sekarang sepi saupi.
dumbfounded.
rasanya ingin mengeluh tapi bahkan saya sendiri sudah muak mendengar keluhan-keluhan ini.
rasanya ingin tetap okus dan berfungsi seperti biasa, tapi kayanya kemarin ada skrup yang lepas..mungkin skrup logika ya.

anyways, ...welcome!
and start running!

Monday, March 05, 2012

please

don't think.
don't think too much or your real self would find out the truth.
and when it does, then it all will be over before it even starts.

keep telling your true self that you're not done yet.
that you haven't achieve anything.
that you still have to keep trying and struggling.
and it's not the time yet to give yourself a present.

don't let your imagination runs too wild, because your true self will get excited, happy and then she'll starts to think that is was real. then she'll stop trying. she'll stop fighting.
she's too naive, and you knew it.
so please, be wise.

stop think.
if you want to let your imagination runs wild, then do it while you write.

love. is it?
no. stop think.
stop guessing.
please.

Friday, March 02, 2012

i guess the lord must be in new york city

I say goodbye to all my sorrows
And by tomorrow I'll be on my way
I guess the lord must be in New York City

I'm so tired of getting nowhere
Seein' my prayers going unanswered
I guess the lord must be in New York City

Well here I am Lord
Knocking on your back door
Ain't it wonderful to be
Where I've always wanted to be
For the first time I'll be free
In New York City

I say goodbye to all my sorrows
And by tomorrow I'll be on my way
I guess the lord must be in New York City

I'm so tired of getting nowhere
Seein' my prayers going unanswered
I guess the lord must be in New York City

Well here I am Lord
Knocking on your back door
Ain't it wonderful to be
Where I've always wanted to be
For the first time I'll be free
In New York City 


#by Harry Nilson

perempuan

beruntung aku dilahirkan sebagai perempuan. mungkin aku berpikir begini karena seumur hidup aku hanya tau bagaimana rasanya jadi perempuan ya.. merasa beruntung karena kalau ga gitu pasti makin stress, haha.

kenapa beruntung?
karena semua pasti mengerti saat aku berkata bodoh saat sedang emosi.
karena aku pasti mengucapkan hal bodoh saat sedang emosi.
karena hanya perempuan yang boleh nangis sambil ketawa.

reverse psychology.
itu salah satu kunci, tapi tidak berlaku setiap saat.

sabar ya :)

Thursday, March 01, 2012

heart

dia yang berani bilang 'i love you' tapi ragu saat mengucap 'aku cinta kamu'.
dia yang berani mengucap 'aku cinta kamu' dengan yakin tapi tidak paham dengan kekuatan kata-kata tersebut.

ingin aku tulis panjang lebar..tapi..ngga deh.

saya hanya berharap, 'i love you' sama artinya dengan 'aku cinta kamu'.
mohon pikir-pikir dulu dengan seksama apa itu cinta menurutmu, dan apakah kamu rela melakukan hal sehebat itu kepada orang ini.
kalau ya, maka silakan ucapkan kata-kata itu dengan lembut dan sepenuh hati.
tapi ingat, kata-kata akan kehilangan maknanya kalau diucap terlalu sering.

karena kalimat terburuk adalah 'aku cinta kamu, tapi...'
karena kalimat terindah adalah '...tapi, aku cinta kamu.'