there're a few dark spots on my ceiling, if i'm in the mood to use my imagination i can see a dinosaur sitting on a bench. but tonight i'm seeing more than a dinosaur. i noticed there's also an empty cobweb, hanging pitifully at the corner. and a quiet long cracks i've never seen before, makes me wonder, how many hour have been passed since i lay on my bed? i feel tired, yet my eyes keeps staring at my empty ceiling, which become more crowded the longer i stared at it.
and then i remembered him. he said we can still be friends. yeah, sure, friends. i don't know what kind of feeling this is, but i know i wanna be more than friends. maybe i wanna be his good friend, his dearest friend, the kind of friend who comes first at his mind whenever he wants to have fun.
okay, i was lying. the truth is, whenever i see him (which is not very often) i always feel like i want to 'attack' him. HAHAHAHAH, okay, i know it sounds wrong, weird, a bit freaky. okay, maybe not a bit freaky (but very!), but that's how i felt. not attacking as in attack to hurt him, but, well.. like, to kiss him. okay now i've said it. hahahahaha, it freaks me out too, really, i don't know why but whenever we hang out together with our friends, i just can't take my eyes off him easily. they always keep looking back at him, aware of all the little things he did. especially when he laughed. out loud.
there's always a desire, something that makes me fantasize about jumping at him and then kissing him all over his face. oh god, now i'm scared of myself.
so anyway, today i hanged out with my friends and him also, just the usual meet up. eating dinner, sitting at random fast-food restaurant, gossipping. when i get up to buy a pack of cigarettes, he stands up said that he wanted to buy some water too, so we walked together. a brisk night wind complete my awkwardness.
trying to break the ice i said,'getting cold, isn't it?'
i didn't know what came into me, but i felt a sudden urge to do something that i knew was stupid and i knew i'm going to regret it but i feel helpless. my brain has done its best to talk reasons to me, but this sudden strange and freaky feeling of mine wins.
'i still like you, you know?', i heard myself firing those words. immediately i knew, i won't regret this.
or i thought i won't.
he didn't seem to hear me because he still walks and didn't say anything. so i step in front of him and tell him once more, made sure that i really mean it and he really hears and understand what i said. 'i said, i still like you. you hear?'. okay now i'm officially being stupid.
he looked at me and said,'yes, i heard you the first time. i know. ...it was quiet obvious actually.'
he stands there, hands in his pockets. and when he looked at me, i can see that his face was a bit red. but i know my face was burning hot and i'm sure it's redder than him.
'okay. good then. ...is it?'
'you knowing me still liking you. ..am i really that obvious?'
'yea i never believe it before when people said you can feel it when somebody was staring at you. but now i know it was true. i can feel you stared at me. quiet often actually.'
damn. why he said it with such a cool annoying manner? since when he become the cool guy??!
'sorry. i can't helped it, i like your face. especially when you laugh, it looks funny', i don't know why i said that but i think it's because i already through the worst part, i felt like i can go all honest with him. i've started this stupidity, i'll just finish it. in one night.
'so that's what you like about me? my face?'
'no. not only your face. maybe it's your aura that i attracted to. you have this kind of...void, that i want to enter. something in your eyes. when you spaced out into your world. i wanna see it too. i wanna see what you saw.'
i never thought about it before, about what part of him that makes me always fixed my eyes at. we stands in front of the convenient store, not yet bought anything. awkwardly.
i tried to look him in the eyes, but i get very nervous so i just throw a glance at his face and then stared at the ground, observing his shoes. it's a nice one, made of dark blue canvas.
i didn't see when he raised his hands, but suddenly they were on my shoulder, both of 'em. warm.
i still can't lift my face, i felt more nervous than before. what was he doing? what's on his mind?? why he acted like this??! hey!!
before i said anything he hugged me. slowly, but i can feel his arms around me, pulling me closer to his chest. oh god, why?
'i'm sorry. i was never a straight forward guy. i think too much, i got scared too often. i can't be with you not because i don't like you, i just can't convince myself that i'd be able to meet your expectation. i might disappoint you. i'm not what you think i am.'
i can hear him talking. i heard every single word that came from his lips. i heard. but i couldn't understand them, seems like my brain couldn't digest them. what was that? what i know is right now i'm in his arms, my face sweating because my heart's racing off the beat. did he just apologized?
i took a deep breath and then slowly pushed my face toward him. and i kissed him. again.
...and he kissed me back.
yes, in front of that 24-hours convenient store.
and yes, there were people watching.
'don't apologize. let's get some cigarettes.'