jujur

jujur.

saya kangen dipeluk.

dan dicium semuka-muka.

stronger

i know that i'm not alone. i never be completely alone. i always have a friend or two who will always get my back whenever i need.
but, somehow by thinking that i'm alone in this world teach me to never really depend on anybody.
to think that i don't really have any true friend pushed me to be stronger.


it's a lie, right?
what i wrote above was a lie, right?

everybody knows, you're in your weakest when you are alone.
you're weak when you think you are alone, and you will be truly weak when you know that you are alone. when you truly know that you don't have anybody to turn to.

scenario #2 : "can we kiss?"

udara malam itu terasa renyah saat aku menghirup nafas dalam-dalam. jantungku mulai berdetak lebih cepat karena tiba-tiba kami berjalan sambil diam.

malam ini kami janjian untuk makan malam, yang ternyata berlanjut menjadi kencan pertama. obrolan kami seru dan sudah nyambung dari awal. aku yakin bukan hanya aku saja yang merasakan adanya maksud lain dari tertawa ringannya dan sapuan lembut tanganku saat mencoba membaca garis tangannya.

sambil berjalan perlahan, kami tenggelam dalam pikiran masing-masing. aku tidak tahu apa yang di dalam pikirannya, tapi yang jelas pikiran ku aktif membayangkan segala skenario yang mungkin terjadi di penghujung kencan ini. tetapi sebenarnya yang bikin aku sangat penasaran adalah bagaimana rasa genggaman tangannya. ya, dari semua bentuk affection, bergandengan tangan adalah favorit ku. dan tangan laki-laki ini nampak begitu kuat dan hangat.

akhirnya kami berhenti di tengah taman kota, dan duduk di bangku taman. masih diam. masih canggung.

"kenyaaaaaang..!" ujar ku, berharap dia untuk memulai topik bahasan lain.

tapi hanya hanya nyengir dan menggelengkan kepala. ..aku merasa bodoh.

tiba-tiba tangannya berada di atas kepalaku, dan perlahan mengarahkan wajahku ke depan wajahnya. jantungku semakin berdebar dan otakku berteriak-teriak,'APA?? KENAPA?? KENAPA DIA BEGINI?? DIA MAU APA?? OH TIDAK, OH TIDAAAAKK!! jangan ketawa, please, jangan mengakak di depan mukanya, oh aku mohon semoga wajahku tidak tampak bodoh.. aduh aduh kenapa ini, dia mau appaaaa??!' berisik sekali di dalam kepalaku, tapi untungnya tidak ada sepatah kata pun yang keluar dari mulutku.

sampai akhirnya dia mendekatkan wajahnya.. sepertinya dia akan menciumku.

"tunggu." terdengar keluar dari mulutku. "tunggu sebentar."

saling menjauhkan wajah, dan tangannya pun diturunkan dari atas kepalaku.

setelah menghela nafas, aku berkata,"maaf, sekarang aku tidak bisa lagi mencium orang sembarangan. apalagi kalau ternyata ini ciuman hanya karena terbawa suasana." fiuh. agak kaget karena aku berhasil mengatakannya, ternyata otakku masih berfungsi.

dia tersenyum dan memalingkan wajahnya, menatap ke depan. sebelum dia mengatakan sesuatu, aku segera menambahkan,"bukannya aku gamau ciuman sama kamu lho, pengen banget malah. tapi takut ini cuma main-main buat kamu nya. karena sekarang aku sudah ga butuh hubungan yang main-main, dan dalam hubungan main-main pun aku serius. jadi kalau sekarang kita ciuman lalu besok-besok kita tidak ada kelanjutan, aku yang repot."

setelah jeda yang terasa lama, akhirnya dia menjawab,"kenapa kamu pikir aku orang sembarangan?"

"karena selama kita kenal, baru sekali ini kita jalan berdua aja. dan baru jalan sekali masa langsung ciuman?"

"kenapa engga? chemistry nya udah enak ko. ya kan? kamu juga ngerasa kan?"

"iya sih. tapi tetep aja kan belum ada kejelasan. ga bisa dong tiba-tiba nyodor bibir tanpa ada obrolan sebelumnya?"

terdiam sejenak. lalu sambil menghela nafas dia bilang,"dasar perempuan."

"kenapa??" ujarku, merasa tersinggung.

"ribet," jawabnya sambil mengacak-acak rambutku.

kami saling diam, memerhatikan mobil yang lewat sesekali.

tidak tahan dengan kecanggungan ini, aku pun bertanya,"jadi gimana?"

"gimana apanya?"

"ciumannya.." jawaban bodoh tapi jujur, dan aku bisa merasakan peredaran darah di wajahku yang tiba-tiba menjadi cepat.

"hmm. jadi harus jadi pacar dulu baru boleh nyium?"

jawaban tak terduga. dasar cowok sialan. mukaku semakin panas dan nafasku memendek. tidak tahu harus menjawab apa.
daripada diam akhirnya dengan muka bodoh aku bilang,"..hah?"

"hahahahahaha, muka kamu bego banget deh, ahahahahahh!" dia malah tertawa. baguslah, suasanya akhirnya menjadi lebih cair.

"ya abisnya tiba-tiba nanya gitu.." gumam ku salah tingkah. ah sial, kenapa sih aku ga bisa akting cool?

lalu dia meneruskan,"jadi lebih aneh abis kencan pertama langsung ciuman, atau abis kencan pertama langsung ngajak pacaran?"

"kayanya abis kencan pertama mendingan dianter pulang, mikir semalem dulu dibawa tidur, trus lihat besok saat bangun tidur hal pertama apa yang ada di dalam pikiran kita. gimana? oke kan?"

"jadi mau pulang aja nih sekarang?" tanya nya, nampaknya berharap masih bisa duduk lebih lama. tapi aku sudah terlalu salah tingkah dan tidak tahu harus bersikap bagaimana kalau duduk lebih lama lagi.

"iya. pulang aja yuk. gapapa kan?" tanya ku berbasa-basi, karena sebenarnya aku tidak terlalu peduli dia apa-apa atau tidak. aku ingin cepat pulang dan lompat ke atas tempat tidur.

"oke." jawab nya santai. kenapa dia santai sih? kenapa dia ga salah tingkah juga?! ah, menyebalkan.

dia berjalan di depan ku, kedua tangannya dimasukkan ke dalam saku jeans nya. aku masih penasaran dengan genggaman tangannya.

sudah kepalang malu, aku bertanya,"eh..boleh gandeng tangan, ngga? hehe"
walau tadi ciumannya aku tolak, tapi semoga dia masih mau meminjamkan tangannya.

untungnya, dia tidak menjawab apa-apa, tapi langsung mengeluarkan tangannya dari saku jeans dan menggandeng erat tanganku.

bahagia.

senyum sepanjang jalan pulang.

mungkin nanti di depan pagar rumah aku yang akan menciumnya, setelah meminta dia untuk menjadi pacarku.

live with it.

it's not like i'm talking to you into blaming yourself for every stupidity you've done in your last years of living.  i just wanna tell you that it was you, yourself, who've made those decisions.

even if it was somebody else who has talked you to choose a bad decision, but it was actually you who chose the final option, the one who chose which way to take.

yea i'm just saying that regrets won't brings you nowhere.

just make sure that you've realized that you've made a mistake. you took the wrong way, chose the wrong words, apologized, and then live with it. live with your mistakes, do not deny them. accept and live with it.

so you've made a mistake, so did everybody else.
so you've said something terrible, but you have your own reasons and conditions.
okay maybe you just did something bad with no reason, well then, do not whine about it.
if you knew you're gonna get a negative response but you still did it anyway, then do not come crying and whining when everybody gives you a terrible look.

you can't make everybody's happy, you can't fulfill everybody's will.
and you can't always get what you wanted either.

so choose wisely. and if you wanna take a risk, understand the consequences first. then, if you think you're ready, then do it.  and if it isn't come out the way you think it'll be, then it's okay. you've made the decision, you understand the risks, now you just have to live with 'em. learn how to deal with your problem after you made a bad decision. do not deny it because the past is fixed, you can't change 'em.

you just have to ... live with it.

just stop whining, okay?
because however things turned out to be, it's always your decisions, your final decision, that'll bring you out from it or bring you deeper into it.

evaluasi

rasa penasaran dan obsesi karena pride yang tergelitik oleh aura misterius seseorang yang nampaknya sulit untuk ditaklukan padahal orang itu tidak bermaksud untuk bersikap misterius atau apapun, hanya kamu dan imajinasimu yang menimbulkan ilusi bahwa manusia ini harus kamu taklukan sehingga rasa penasaran dan obsesi itu kamu salah arti kan sebagai rasa suka yang berlebih dan keyakinan bahwa kamu ingin bersama orang ini dan siap menerima dia apa adanya dengan segala kelebihan dan kekurangan nya. dan satu poin besar yang nampak dangkal tapi sangat berpengaruh dalam memberi kamu energi untuk terus mengejar dan menunggu dia adalah karena wajahnya yang bagus. dan karena dia single. dan dia nampak seperti he could use some help, you feel like he needs to be fixed. dan kamu suka merasa dibutuhkan, padahal itu semua hanya ada di dalam kepala mu.

kamu pikir kamu jatuh cinta, padahal harusnya kamu lebih tahu dan lebih paham dari siapapun tentang apa itu cinta, dan bagaimana rasanya jatuh cinta. oke, mungkin tidak lebih tahu dari semua orang, tapi setidaknya cukup dapat membedakan lah. atau setidaknya seharusnya kamu hafal rasanya ingin memiliki dan rasanya membutuhkan, karena kamu sering merasa ingin memiliki, tapi kamu baru sekali merasakan membutuhkan seseorang.

akuilah, kamu hanya ingin memiliki dan menaklukan orang ini.
oh ya, tapi kamu tipe yang jalan dulu baru bangun bersama pelan-pelan.
tapi kalau begitu kamu egois, seenaknya. dan kalau kamu sudah terlanjur memberi harapan dan di tengah jalan kamu sadar bahwa ternyata bukan orang ini jawabannya, bagaimana?
putuskan secepatnya sebelum semua berlarut-larut, yap, senjata andalan mu.
seenaknya dan sangat egois.

"harus ada yang berperan sebagai antagonis."
"mungkin peran ku dalam hidup dia adalah dengan mematahkan hatinya, jadi dia bisa menjadi orang yang kuat dan tidak naif dalam memandang dunia."
"oke, aku mulai bosan. nampaknya bukan dia yang aku cari. sebelum semua berjalan lebih jauh, lebih baik aku yang putuskan disini sekarang."
"lebih baik aku yang meninggalkan daripada aku yang ditinggalkan."

kamu percaya karma. lebih baik hentikan berpikir pendek, dan mulai bertanya kepada diri sendiri setiap kali kesempatan datang. apakah kamu melakukannya hanya untuk pembuktian atau kamu memang tulus? karena kalau kamu terus begini, you'll end up alone.

what do i have left?

i always give people chances.

a chance to prove them self.

a chance to prove the words they've said to me.

a chance to get to know me.

a chance to talk.

a chance to explain.

a chance to trick me.

a chance to appease me.

a chance to seduce me.

a chance to persuade me.

a chance to make fun of me.

a chance to show their humour.

when i give them a chance to talk about them self, it doesn't mean that i will trade my stories equally.
i tell them things after i measure how much time i've spent with them.
how much do i trust them.
do they need to know it or do i just tell them harmless things about me.
can i tolerate when i know they just faking their concerns and laugh at my back because i gave them reasons to feel better than me.

when i give someone a chance to introduce oneself, that's when i evaluate them.
if they reveal too much about them self on our first conversation, i will lose interest.
sometimes i felt sorry for them because i can't return their enthusiasm.
but what can i do?
i live from questions and assumptions.
if they answer my questions so quickly, what do i have left?

haih..

mau sepengertian apapun, perpisahan itu emang menyebalkan tau. kenapa sih ga bisa terus bareng-bareng, maju bareng-bareng, tau bareng-bareng?

tiap ketemu orang baru, selalu ada hal yang kita dapat dari mereka. pengetahuan baru. pengetahuan tetap pengetahuan sebagaimanapun remehnya itu.

mungkin tentang musik bagus, band yang sebenernya udah lama tapi kita baru denger karena dikasi tau oleh orang ini. dan ternyata musik itu terus kita dengarkan walau orang itu tidak lagi berkomunikasi dengan kita sekarang.

mungkin tentang suatu website tempat download subtitle yang super lengkap dan super update.

mungkin tentang suatu website tempat baca mangascan yang tidak perlu meng-klik tiap kali beres baca satu halaman.

kenapa sih harus ada masalah yang muncul tiap kali abis dapet informasi baru?

scenario #1 : 'don't apologize. let's get some cigarettes.'

there're a few dark spots on my ceiling, if i'm in the mood to use my imagination i can see a dinosaur sitting on a bench. but tonight i'm seeing more than a dinosaur. i noticed there's also an empty cobweb, hanging pitifully at the corner. and a quiet long cracks i've never seen before, makes me wonder, how many hour have been passed since i lay on my bed? i feel tired, yet my eyes keeps staring at my empty ceiling, which become more crowded the longer i stared at it.

and then i remembered him. he said we can still be friends. yeah, sure, friends. i don't know what kind of feeling this is, but i know i wanna be more than friends. maybe i wanna be his good friend, his dearest friend, the kind of friend who comes first at his mind whenever he wants to have fun.

okay, i was lying. the truth is, whenever i see him (which is not very often) i always feel like i want to 'attack' him. HAHAHAHAH, okay, i know it sounds wrong, weird, a bit freaky. okay, maybe not a bit freaky (but very!), but that's how i felt. not attacking as in attack to hurt him, but, well.. like, to kiss him. okay now i've said it. hahahahaha, it freaks me out too, really, i don't know why but whenever we hang out together with our friends, i just can't take my eyes off him easily. they always keep looking back at him, aware of all the little things he did. especially when he laughed. out loud.

there's always a desire, something that makes me fantasize about jumping at him and then kissing him all over his face. oh god, now i'm scared of myself.

so anyway, today i hanged out with my friends and him also, just the usual meet up. eating dinner, sitting at random fast-food restaurant, gossipping. when i get up to buy a pack of cigarettes, he stands up said that he wanted to buy some water too, so we walked together. a brisk night wind complete my awkwardness.

trying to break the ice i said,'getting cold, isn't it?'

'yeah..'

i didn't know what came into me, but i felt a sudden urge to do something that i knew was stupid and i knew i'm going to regret it but i feel helpless. my brain has done its best to talk reasons to me, but this sudden strange and freaky feeling of mine wins.

'i still like you, you know?', i heard myself firing those words. immediately i knew, i won't regret this.

or i thought i won't.

he didn't seem to hear me because he still walks and didn't say anything. so i step in front of him and tell him once more, made sure that i really mean it and he really hears and understand what i said. 'i said, i still like you. you hear?'. okay now i'm officially being stupid.

he looked at me and said,'yes, i heard you the first time. i know. ...it was quiet obvious actually.'

he stands there, hands in his pockets. and when he looked at me, i can see that his face was a bit red. but i know my face was burning hot and i'm sure it's redder than him.

'okay. good then. ...is it?'

'what is?'

'you knowing me still liking you. ..am i really that obvious?'

'yea i never believe it before when people said you can feel it when somebody was staring at you. but now i know it was true. i can feel you stared at me. quiet often actually.'

damn. why he said it with such a cool annoying manner? since when he become the cool guy??!

'sorry. i can't helped it, i like your face. especially when you laugh, it looks funny', i don't know why i said that but i think it's because i already through the worst part, i felt like i can go all honest with him. i've started this stupidity, i'll just finish it. in one night.

'so that's what you like about me? my face?'

'no. not only your face. maybe it's your aura that i attracted to. you have this kind of...void, that i want to enter. something in your eyes. when you spaced out into your world. i wanna see it too. i wanna see what you saw.'

i never thought about it before, about what part of him that makes me always fixed my eyes at. we stands in front of the convenient store, not yet bought anything. awkwardly.

i tried to look him in the eyes, but i get very nervous so i just throw a glance at his face and then stared at the ground, observing his shoes. it's a nice one, made of dark blue canvas.

i didn't see when he raised his hands, but suddenly they were on my shoulder, both of 'em. warm.

i still can't lift my face, i felt more nervous than before. what was he doing? what's on his mind?? why he acted like this??! hey!!

before i said anything he hugged me. slowly, but i can feel his arms around me, pulling me closer to his chest. oh god, why?

'i'm sorry. i was never a straight forward guy. i think too much, i got scared too often. i can't be with you not because i don't like you, i just can't convince myself that i'd be able to meet your expectation. i might disappoint you. i'm not what you think i am.'

i can hear him talking. i heard every single word that came from his lips. i heard. but i couldn't understand them, seems like my brain couldn't digest them. what was that? what i know is right now i'm in his arms, my face sweating because my heart's racing off the beat. did he just apologized?

i took a deep breath and then slowly pushed my face toward him. and i kissed him. again.

...and he kissed me back.

yes, in front of that 24-hours convenient store.

and yes, there were people watching.

'don't apologize. let's get some cigarettes.'

cenghar

cenghar.
pengen nulis.
tapi nantinya malah jadi curhat.
idung masih meler.
tapi cenghar, padahal abis minum obat flu.

walau udah tau bahwa waktu seru dan menyenangkan itu ga akan keulang, tapi tetep aja terus lupa dan lagi-lagi berharap malam yang menyenangkan itu akan ada lagi dan akan ada lagi dengan komposisi orang yang sama dengan waktu yang tidak terbatas. jadi pengen tinggal bareng satu rumah, tiap orang dengan kegiatan dan kesibukan masing-masing tapi tiap malem pasti ngumpul. tiap hari pasti ada orang di rumah. kalo sakit, pasti ada yang bisa direpotin. kalo dapet berita pasti ada tempat untuk sharing.

tuh kan. saya itu mahluk sosial. gimanapun berusaha untuk sok-sok penyendiri dan misterius, tetep aja ujung-ujungnya saya kangen sosialisasi. walaupun waktu untuk absentism pasti ada, tapi tetep kangen nunggu orang-orang pulang balik dari rutinitas. nunggu ada cerita apa yang mereka bawa. kangen ngekos di sangkuriang. kangen ngontrak di gempol. kangen tidur leyeh-leyeh di saninten, ketawa-ketawa dan nonton film tiap malem.

pengen deh ngontrak lagi di jakarta. sama orang-orang yang kita pilih sendiri. teman-teman dekat. mumpung masih 25. walau mungkin cuma punya waktu 1-2 tahun sebelum semua semakin sukses dan berpencar. entah kenapa rasanya semakin takut untuk maju. padahal saya sudah sadar pilihannya hanyalah meninggalkan atau ditinggalkan. tidak akan bareng-bareng selamanya.

saya itu orang yang posesif. karena saya butuh untuk dibutuhkan. karena saya orang yang insecure. selalu butuh kepastian bahwa akan selalu ada orang untuk pegangan.

tuh kan, curhat.

saya bosan hidup sendiri jauh dari mana-mana. bukannya minta pacar atau pasangan hidup buru-buru, tapi pengen ngontrak bareng aja sama teman-teman dekat.

move!

doing a reverse psychology by insulting life for being so boring, hoping it'll throw me a bigger adventures and dramas.

your move now.

ridiculous story

that's why i can't be a marketer, because i can't sell things that me myself don't wanna buy. and with the same reason as that, i always stuck with my writing. every stories that i wanna make will have a plot that'll full with coincidences, a play of fate. but because i've never actually been in that kind of situation, i can't believe with what i'm about to write. i will see it as a nonsense, a ridiculous stories.

wish one day the universe will strike me with the most impossible kind of coincidence and a play of fate.