shame on me

oh yes i am a sensitive person. i can be over sensitive sometimes.
i usually sensitive about something that involve my feeling, or something that really non of my business.
for instance, a thing about people's relationship.

whether it's about someone's love life, or someone's friendship.
to see their happy and sincere faces on the pictures makes me drop a tear.
strange.

it's funny how answers pops out of no where when i write.
when i wrote this post, i just saw my friend's photos with her best friends, and i like seeing their smiley faces, happy and really happy. and i started wondering how they start their friendship, things they've been through. and i dropped a single tear. ...then i write this post, wondering why am i so sensitive about such thing.

then, the answer came.
i remember that i'm the envy of 7 sins.
i envy them, that's why i cried.
i wish i was one of them.
but then again, i remembered my own best friends.
i have those who's still with me from the start.
i have those who's still with me even though i don't know what to do with them.

shame on me.

or, i just see them as a story. a story about best friends from college and still be best friend even when they have graduated and walk a different path. and that kind of story always be my weakness.

'maaf'

saat kamu melakukan kesalahan yang sangat, sehingga mengucap kata 'maaf' terdengar seperti gurauan konyol yang tidak pada tempatnya.
tentu saja kamu merasa bersalah.
tentu saja kamu harus meminta maaf.
tapi kamu sendiri tahu kata 'maaf' tidak sekuat itu.
kamu tahu 'maaf' tidak akan menyelesaikan semuanya.
bahwa 'maaf' mu terdengar begitu kecil dan tolol dihadapan kesalahan berat mu.

tapi karena kamu tahu kamu bersalah, kamu memaksakan untuk berkata 'maaf' meski tahu kata itu tidak akan mengubah apa-apa. kamu bahkan tidak berharap 'maaf' mu diterima.
kamu tahu kesalahanmua sebesar itu, kata 'maaf' menjadi basa-basi hanya karena itu satu-satunya kata yang diucapkan saat seseorang mengaku dia bersalah dan menyesal.
meski kamu tahu kata itu sudah tidak berarti.
karena kekecewaan dan marah tidak akan reda semudah kata 'maaf'.

sisi baiknya?
setidaknya kamu sudah merendahkan diri untuk mengucap 'maaf' meski tahu itu sia-sia.
setidaknya kamu sadar bahwa kamu salah dan menyesal.
dan tidak mengharapkan 'maaf' mu dapat memperbaiki semuanya.

7 years

today my long lost close friend in high school made a contact.
a really great surprise!
it's been 7 years since i saw her.
makes me think how much have i changed?
quiet many.

i've ate many things i never eat before.
i've drank drinks i've never drank before.
i've been places i've never been before.
i did things i never thought i'd do.

i'm not changing, just have more experience.
been through many situations.
hard and easy.

next week, i'll hear her 7 years.

how long

hating is the easiest way to forget, to leave behind things you've dearly loved.

to leave behind someone or something that left you at the first time.

you can't find the reason to leave them, so you hate them.

it's easy. just grow your anger, grow your sadness.

tell yourself that you've been betrayed, so you can have a reason to hate.

but to hate something you truly love is quiet difficult.

you have to lie to your heart constantly.

because it knows that you just need a reason to move on.

so it'll stop telling you the truth.

and then you move on.

forget everything, and tell everybody that you're okay.

of course you're okay. you wanted to be okay, so, you're okay.

but you're still telling your heart every night not to think about it.

just keep reminding why you hate.

the question is..how long can you hate?

how long can you refuse to face the truth?

it is tiring. but it's the easiest way.