lesson learned about dealing with bad decision

free will means (in my humble opinion) that, you make your own path, you make your own decision, no one, not even 'god' knows which path you will choose, which way you will make. meaning, you are on your own. all of the consequences (good or bad) that you've made is entirely happened because of you decision.

now. isn't that sounds a bit...heavy?

i mean, of course it makes you respect more about decision making and think before decide-it-anyway.

but me, i prefer to see it in a more flexible way. i'm not that mentally strong person (nor physically), so i decided that i'm not strong enough to carry the concept of having free will. i like to pretend that i have tho'.. like, when it happens, when i thought i've made a bad decision and the effect after that is too hard for me to get through it, i always reminded myself that i'm the one who make the first decision. i already know the consequences, but i do it anyway. so i won't put the blame to anyone else but me.

but, if it's still too heavy, then i switch my mind set to not-believe-in-free-will.

i'll say to myself that, this is meant to be.

i was meant to think that i've made a wrong decision, but there must be something good come out from that situation. then i'll tell myself to keep calm, whatever happen, happens.

so, the rules are :

- think wisely before you decide.

- think about the consequences and the worst case scenario, is it worth the action? do you really really want to do it even after you aware of the consequences? if yes, then do it.

- you've hurt someone else because of your decision? feel guilty until you promise your self you won't do the same mistake in the future.

- don't let guilt dwarf you. remember, everything goes with a reason. you might not meant to hurt someone but if someone gets hurt anyway, think that this might be your role. that someone might have to be hurt by you (or someone else) for their own good. because being hurt can make people more mature and will make them stronger. if they can't handle being hurt and be a bad person because of that, then that's their problem, that's their decision. not yours anymore. the most important thing is you feel guilty, you regret, but you learn from it, forgive yourself and move on.

- open your mind. if you're in a bad situation, always remember that there's no one to blame but yourself.

- moaning and compalining about it will just make you worse. because nobody wanna be friends with a moaner and complainer. 

- knowledge your mistakes, accept, and deal with the problems. if it's too heavy, you can always blame god or the universe for it. but don't stop trying your best.

- you can complain, but you also have to know that complaining too much without thinking about solution will just make you a b*tch. and you'll lose your friends. and that's not their fault.

- don't forget that you can always start again. losing someone that you love dearly is not an easy task, but you will have to get through it anyway.

...

yeah well, i'll be 26 soon. so maybe this is some lesson i've learned in my 25 years of being human.

the result from daring the Universe

so. i can say that it started about 6 months ago.
when i easily get bored of my life. no zest, no new things, a bit flat.
so i dared the Universe to prove that they're that powerful, to give me more surprises, more big surprises, nothing that i can expect.

and then it starts.

first, i met this guy. never meant to make him my lover in the first place, but it turns out he's the best guy i ever had after my ex. i'm in love again but still in control. he's a keeper.

second, i resigned from my job being a teacher. so impulsive, spontaneous. even though i wasn't that ready but i quit anyway.

third, i used my last salary to take an introductory class of glass workshop in singapore. i was told by my boyfriend that he has a good friend that's also a glass artist, and she open a workshop class. so i bought a one-way ticket to singapore and live in my teacher's  house, while taking the workshop and doing some errands for her. i've made myself useful and helping her because she let me lives on her house. but in the end, she still gives me some money because she appreciated my works.

fourth, one of my boyfriend's goal is to travels southeast asia before he turn 31. i never thought that i will ever be able to go with him pursuing that dream. but he got payment from his last project, and there's still some money left so he asked me to go with him, traveling southeast asia. started from singapore, took a bus to kuala lumpur, took a sleeper train to hatyai thailand, took another sleeper train to bangkok, took another sleeper train to chiang mai, took a local bus to chiang rai, hitchhiked toward chiang khong until we found a local transport, crossed the mekong river to huay xai laos, took the speed boat to luang prabang, took a bus to vientiane, took a bus to thakaek, had the thakaek loop 3 days trip, took a bus to don khong, hitched a ride to don det, took a bus to strungtreng cambodia, took a bus to phnom penh, took a bus to saigon vietnam, then took a flight back to singapore.

fifth, on the night after i got back in singapore, i wrote again to universe on my fb status. daring what to do next. and the next day i found a letter from my glass teacher, offering me a stable job to be her assistant, she even gave me a cellphone as a gift. i was speechless. so fast, universe. haha.

sixth, my plan when i was deciding i want to resign is go to bali and find a job there. and yet, i got stuck in singapore much more longer than my plan. after i got that job offer from my glass teacher, i was quiet sure that live in singapore will be my future. but then, my boyfriend's friend who works in bali was searching for someone to do some accounts job. so my boyfriend linked him to me. and i get interested in the job because it's in bali like my first plan, and it's an accounts job that i really wanna learn. and that's when i got depressed. it was very dilemmatic, in one side, working in singapore will give a very good point on my cv and i know my help is needed there. but on the other side, i really wanna go to bali. it's my plan A. but after a long thought, i chose bali.

seventh, that last day in singapore i still have some works to do before i can leave in peace. my flight was at 6.35pm, and i should've been there at least 2 hours before my flight hour. but at 5.10 i was still standing on the sidewalk trying to haul a taxi. panicking and crying, i was really afraid that the check-in gate will be closed when i get there. then desperately i took a bus to the airport, and when i get there the check-in gate is still open. relieved, felt stupid, laughed (while murmured 'fuck you universe).

eighth, when i decided to go to bali anyway, there's still a chance i might not get the job in here. because they still wanna interviewed me in person first before they agree to hire me or not. but then i got hired, and found a safe place to live, at least until august.

so. right now, i'm gonna stop daring the universe. i mean, i'm gonna dare it again in the future, but not anytime soon. it was a very effective method to have an exciting road in life. you should try it. the key is, don't be afraid of what might come, do not hesitate, do not over-think, and always wear your best attitude wherever, whenever.

good luck, keep breathing and don't panic!

yet

that stage when i cried alone and no one know because there's nobody around me.
i just break there, wounds open and nobody knows. then i just star to lick my wounds, ick and lick until it feels better. better enough to put on a smile.
i hate that stage. because i was forced to be strong.

i never was a strong one. but i have to.
and i never get used to it.

i think people see me because they think i'm strong, but they're wrong.
i'm tired being strong.
because they won't feel that bad when they leave me.

i'm tired to be the one that have to understands.
that's why sometimes i pick the role as antagonist.
hurting people on purpose.
not good. i know.

i may appear strong, but that's because i don't trust you yet.