cursed

warning : bad english

i will bring the best of me for myself.
i will be good.
so very good.
i will get the best.
i deserve it.

i will achieve all my dreams and goals in life.
i will be very happy even with every obstacles world can offer.
because i know i can.
yes, darling. i am that great.

so i've cursed myself.
no more nice girl.
no more.
enough. i won't be nice anymore.

but.
i'm still kind.
i have this keyhole attached in my heart now.
where there's a keyhole, there'll be also a key.
'the key'.
so. i can be nice and be a good girl again.
but it won't be easy.

get the key, because i'm worthy.

cerita hari

aku menulis ini semalam.

" hari ini Kamis Oranye. Kamis Eksotis.

Besok adalah Jumat Silver.
hari lahirku, Si Anak Perak.
dengan hati silver,
mulia namu sederhana.
sensitif dan peka.
tidak sadar potensi dimiliki.
lembut, penuh mimpi.
berkilau tanpa bermaksud sombong.

lalu datang Sabtu Ungu.
ceria dan rendah hati.
kamu ingin bersenang-senang?
pastikan di Sabtu Ungu kau melangkah.
penuh debaran tak terduga.

halo Minggu Emas.
diagungkan dan dimanja.
berusaha untuk tidak sombong.
tetapi ia memang sangat menarik.
jangan lupa untuk menngingatkan,
bahwa kotor itu perlu.

Senin Kuning. Senin Bersemangat.
ayo kerja! ayo beraktifitas! ayo bergerak!
Senin yang ceplas ceplos.
Senin yang sangat Kuning!
sumringah dan positif.

Selasa Putih.
oh putih, putih, monoton.
keceriaan yang tersedot oleh Senin.
Selasa Putih. Selasa fokus.
Selasa yang bekerja dalam diam.
Selasa yang rendah hati dan penuh rahasia.

Lalu muncul si Rabu Biru.
Rabu biru atau Rabu pantai.
atau Rabu liburan.
Rabu yang penuh angin, menyejukkan dan
berenergi positif!
Rabu selalu bahagia dalam santai.

dan kembali ke Kamis Oranye.
Eksotis.
bibir memukau, mata yang dalam.
Kamis cantik.
Kamis damai berselimut matahari.
Kamis Oranye,
enak diajak curhat dan suka tertawa".

i am that awkward girl

warning : bad english

I am that awkward girl standing in the middle of the crowd.
That nobody even bother to glance over.
Asking myself do I really belong here?
Is there some place that I could really fit in.
Without even trying.
Am I wrong to feel this way?
I want to be needed.
I want it indeed.
To be needed. To be longed for.
Is it too much?
I know what's too much.
To be needed by you.
Specifically by you.
Yes you.

Here I'm still here.
Soaked with negativity. Sobered up from those vain positive thinking.
Staring at my clumsy legs.
Choosing desperately which path to take.
The right goes with brain and logics.
The left goes with heart and dreams.
Separating I am separated.

mode on

ingin menulis.
apa ya...

Gua sedang mengambil alih sekarang :)
aku sedang menenangkan diri di kamar terdalam dan saya menemaninya.

Gua muncul dan mengambil alih karena kami ingin mengaktifkan self-defense.
bukan ingin, tapi harus.
ya, seharusnya dari awal self-defense itu tidak boleh yang lemah.
sekarang, akan kami buat yang jauh lebih kuat, jauh lebih sulit untuk ditembus dan diturunkan.

harus.
ini penting.

jadi Gua mengambil alih.
Gua, the nasty me.

so please, bring it on!


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please, read this also http://fictionfrom93.blogspot.com/2010/11/day-six-aku-saya-dan-gue.html

high expectation gets you nowhere

**warning : bad english!!**

come on, don't tell me you've never heard those words before.
and you know that it is not one of those words that just suddenly appear among people.
there is a reason behind those words. and the reason is, of course, because they are true.
because it is really happen to every people that 'high expectation gets you no where'.
it gives nothing but disappointment.

the same goes with high hopes.
but, there's reason behind every hope.
there are reasons why you are hoping.
and there are more reasons when you set your hopes high.
you know you're not suddenly set your hope high without reasons.

but the question is.
are those reasons are real?

is it really happened?
are they the right reasons to get high?
what if they are just illusions you play in your brain?
affecting your heart and feelings.

hope gives you power. oh, yes they are.
a very powerful one.
but you do realize it too, that they're also have weaknesses, right?
a very painful one.

the more you set your hopes high, well, the more painful you gets when your hopes doesn't come true.

the same goes with high expectation.
but for me, failing to get my expectation is more painful.
expecting is different from hoping.
expecting doesn't need strong reason behind it. it just happened. you just expect it.
it's kinda automatic. it's just your logic settings in your head.
and when your defends weakened, you set your expectation so high.
and then it didn't happen.
you lost your thought up there.
you fall, and fall, and falling hard. yes, it is so hard. believe me.
you suffer much more pain than when your hopes don't come true.

expecting is a bad habit.
yes, it is a habit.
you may have some hopes. hopes is important.
but don't, ever, grow some expectations.
really, they give you nothing, but disappointment.

the reason i resign.

waktu gw resign tgl 3 januari kmaren, boss gw langsung mengiyakan. dia bilang gw boleh berenti dateng mulai besok. bagus gw minta resign waktu awal bulan, jadi soal gaji ga ribet. setelah itu baru dia tanya alesan gw resign...dan tampaknya cuma basa-basi dan ga pengen tau juga sih. gw juga saat itu jawabnya ga serius, gw bilang aja uda dapet gawe di bandung, padahal baru mo nyari hahaha.

anyways, sebenernya gw uda mo resign dari desember tp ga pernah dapet kesempatan ngomong. gw dah janji sama temen-temen di bandung mo ngabur ke jogja setelah gw resign. tapi pas tgl 4 gw balik ke rumah, nyokap lagi mau bikin passport. gw ikutan bikin passport, meski gatau mau kmana tapi mumpung nyokap juga mau bikin ya bareng aja. 10 hari passport gw jadi, dan gw blom sempet ke bandung apalagi ke jogja karena harus bolak-balik ke imigrasi. dan ternyata bokap gw yg lagi ada bisnis di malaysia nuruh nyokap buat nyusul ksana. dan mendengar gw sudah resign dan lagi nganggur, gw pun disuruh untuk nyusul kesana.

hmm, jujur sebenernya gw rada malas ke KL. gw lebih milih ke bandung dan jogja daripada ke KL. maksud gw, men, ngapain juga ke KL? hahaha, ada apa di sana?? boring country buat orang yg ga punya duit hahahaha. yah tapi karena gw pikir yah jarang-jarang lah ke luar negeri, ga keluar duit pula...mayan deh.
akhirnya gw di KL 10 hari, 4 hari ke Singapur. well, jelas singapur jauh lebih menarik dan menyenangkan (dan mahal) daripada malay ya, tp mayan lah.

beres dari sana gw diem di rumah. mager. paling ke rumah sodara d jakarta.
trus gw ke bandung lagi deh, 5 hari. ngobrol2, nyari tempat tinggal dan berencana buat gawe di bandung. pas gw mo balik ke bogor, buat ambil cv, ijasah dsb, sepupu gw ngemesej di fb, nawarin apakah gw mau nemenin dia di rumahnya krn dia abis operasi n suaminya lg cabut.
pas gw nyampe rumah gw lapor ke nyokap dan ternyata nyokap juga dihubungin ma sepupu gw, dan pas gw tanya sepupu gw lagi di jakarta atau di shanghai, dan nyokap gw bilang dia lagi di shanghai.

oke, gw masih ga percaya sih apakah gw bakal ke shanghai. tapi ternyata jadi. and here i am, di apartmen sepupu gw, di pudong, shanghai. hahahahahaha, saat resign gw hanya mikir mau pindah ke bandung, cari gawe, settle up in my comfort zone. sempet ada feeling sih 2011 bakal banyak jalan-jalan dan travelling, tapi saat itu gw pesimis. tapi sejak januari tanpa rencana gw ke KL, Spore, dan ini ujug-ujug ke Shanghai. men, gw bener-bener ga boleh settle ya? dan ternyata resign itu langkah yang sangat tepat, hahaha..

dan tadi pas gw abis cerita ke sepupu gw cerita waktu gw resign dan bos gw ga menunjukkan bahwa dia keberatan, sepupu gw langsung bilang,"yaudah besok kamu kirim postcard dari sini kel, bilang : 'pak, this is the reason why i resign.' "

linduran dini

when it hurts, you laugh.
smile. not a broken smile, but a true one from your heart.

oh god, emang ya kalo udah menyangkut masalah hati tuh lancar banget deh inspirasi hahahahaha sampah.

eek ah.
ga suka ni kalo udah kaya gini nih.
bukan masalah besar sih, sepele malah ini mah.
tapi kepikirannya berlebihan dah.
hahahaha mulai norak bahasanya.

anyways, kenyang memang bikin senang.
apalagi kalo kenyangnya bareng teman-teman random.
haha, semua jadi terasa sepele.
tapi tetep bikin kesel.

oke, kayanya gw mo dapet deh.
emosi udah mulai muncul di saat yang ga terduga.
fuh.
sebat trus tidur deh ya.

ciao all!