janji janji jangki

what am i trying to do now?
i'm trying to forget someone.
someone i've never have.
because he's so fine.

for me, he's perfect.
the perfect guy.
but, alas.
life loves me too much.

i just wanted to know,
did he answer me
when i told him that i
like him like him?

what did he do
during that 2 minutes?
did he reacted?
how?

what am i trying to do?
i'm trying to dry up my feelings.
so i'll keep talking about it,
'till it dries.

if he wants me too,
i'll give him an honest answer.
i am worthy.
bukan cuma janji janji jangki.

black out

because i'm the wolf, used to be pretending as a sheep.
but it was a long ago now my sheep fur starts to falling off my body, exposing my filthy greyish wolf fur. i don't know why i still keep using this old sheep fur, for the truth of me being a wolf is like a common secret in this huge village.

lately, an ordinary boy has caught my attention. he's not a little boy, so i just call him medium grey riding-hood. maybe everybody think that there's nothing special about this boy. his face is fine, he's nice to his kind, ordinary. but not for me. i don't know what makes me think he's different, what makes him caught my interest. maybe because he's so ordinary nobody's thinking about ...owning him.

and now, as me lurking in the forrest and he likes to wandering around here with his friends, i'm starting to want to know about him more. but not by talking to him, just watching. how he talk to his friends, how he react to his friend's stories, how he listened.. for me, it's very interesting, makes me sure that he's not an ordinary boy. there's something precious about him that i wanted.

i'm the wolf, he's the nice boy. i never wanted to ...touch him. i mean, i was scared if i touched him i might spoil him. so, when we started to talk, chat, i was so happy. i even feel my sheep fur is getting thick again. i never wanted more, or maybe i wanted more but i never thought about it much, because i was thinking it was impossible. i really enjoy his companion, though we never go anywhere alone, but i'm okay with it.

so, one day i introduced him to my friends. he get along with them. we meet, we chat, we drink, we got drunk.  then my wolf fur getting thicker, leaving my sheep shape i'm totally turning into my true self. the wolf. the filthy wolf. then i start getting out of control. and i want him, i want him, and look in the mirror, then i look at the boy. 'do you know that i really like you like you?'
i think i scared him all right.

black out.



-the end.

i d k

i'm still afraid to know the truth.
any truth.
the scariest thing for me is being confronted with the bitter truth.
i'm slowly turning off my curiosity.
because if i dig for the truth, i know there'll be something that's gonna hurt me.
and i've had enough pain without searching for it.

like, there's this guy that i like so much.
it never occur to me to search about him.
to read what he wrote, to see what he saw..
i just enjoyed his presence.
until that time. ...

now i really want to know about him,
but i'm still scared to dig about him.
it's been quiet a long time since i act like this.
even with my last ex, i didn't want to know about him this much.

i just didn't know what to do.
i feel like a boy who really like a girl but doesn't want to scare her away, you know?
i want to understand and know her better, but i'm afraid.
...
i don't know.

25

so.
25 it is.
turning point, i suppose?

kejutan dan putaran tak terduga di penghujung umur 24 mulai aku lihat sebagai hadiah dari hidup.
life loves me, that's why it teases me a lot.
but the spotlight has been turned off now.
setelah perhatian penuh lalu sekarang diam. 25 sudah mendarat berat dan perlahan di tengah perut saya menunggu untuk dikerjakan. menunggu rencana-rencana dan keputusan bijak.

yah keputusan pertama saya adalah quit smoking.

sedangkan achievement-achievement lainnya...masih belum tau.
banyak yang saya inginkan, tapi tidak ada usaha menuju kesana.
bahkan fokus ke yang sudah saya punya sekarang saja sulit.

terlalu menganggap enteng hidup. terlalu santai. terlalu memanjakan nurani. terlalu ingin menjadi orang lain.

sehabis 25, semua akan berjalan secepat cahaya. dan tiba-tiba besok saya bangun tengah malam di umur 33. terkejut dan menangis karena masih berada di titik yang sama. ya ampun, jangan sampe deh ya. amit-amit.

sekarang rasanya seperti di-reset. kosong lagi.
kemarin pesta hiruk pikuk dan sekarang sepi saupi.
dumbfounded.
rasanya ingin mengeluh tapi bahkan saya sendiri sudah muak mendengar keluhan-keluhan ini.
rasanya ingin tetap okus dan berfungsi seperti biasa, tapi kayanya kemarin ada skrup yang lepas..mungkin skrup logika ya.

anyways, ...welcome!
and start running!

please

don't think.
don't think too much or your real self would find out the truth.
and when it does, then it all will be over before it even starts.

keep telling your true self that you're not done yet.
that you haven't achieve anything.
that you still have to keep trying and struggling.
and it's not the time yet to give yourself a present.

don't let your imagination runs too wild, because your true self will get excited, happy and then she'll starts to think that is was real. then she'll stop trying. she'll stop fighting.
she's too naive, and you knew it.
so please, be wise.

stop think.
if you want to let your imagination runs wild, then do it while you write.

love. is it?
no. stop think.
stop guessing.
please.

i guess the lord must be in new york city

I say goodbye to all my sorrows
And by tomorrow I'll be on my way
I guess the lord must be in New York City

I'm so tired of getting nowhere
Seein' my prayers going unanswered
I guess the lord must be in New York City

Well here I am Lord
Knocking on your back door
Ain't it wonderful to be
Where I've always wanted to be
For the first time I'll be free
In New York City

I say goodbye to all my sorrows
And by tomorrow I'll be on my way
I guess the lord must be in New York City

I'm so tired of getting nowhere
Seein' my prayers going unanswered
I guess the lord must be in New York City

Well here I am Lord
Knocking on your back door
Ain't it wonderful to be
Where I've always wanted to be
For the first time I'll be free
In New York City 


#by Harry Nilson

perempuan

beruntung aku dilahirkan sebagai perempuan. mungkin aku berpikir begini karena seumur hidup aku hanya tau bagaimana rasanya jadi perempuan ya.. merasa beruntung karena kalau ga gitu pasti makin stress, haha.

kenapa beruntung?
karena semua pasti mengerti saat aku berkata bodoh saat sedang emosi.
karena aku pasti mengucapkan hal bodoh saat sedang emosi.
karena hanya perempuan yang boleh nangis sambil ketawa.

reverse psychology.
itu salah satu kunci, tapi tidak berlaku setiap saat.

sabar ya :)