disturbingly normal

when all you do is showing your love, showing that you care, showing that you need him too.
showing that you are willing to fight to keep him by your side.

showing that you love him in every chance that you got until saying 'i love you' is not a big deal anymore.  because act is much bigger than the words itself.

have you ever been in a relationship with a guy that you just met but you instantly feel comfortable with? you are aware, totally aware that he's a stranger, you don't know anything about him, you just met him twice.

it feels like there's already a foundation in the relationship and both of you just continue to walk in that road with that already exist foundation.
because it feels very natural, like we already know each other for a long time. we just have to catch up a bit but all is totally under control, we easily understands each other.

it's just.. disturbingly normal.

we just started the relationship for 3 or 4 weeks, but it feels like i've been around him for years. makes me wonder, am i really never met this guy before? never knew him at all? it's just.. too strange. too comfortable, too easy, too familiar..

but i'll keep walking anyway. now that i found him and we're together, there will be a lot of memories we're gonna make in the future :)

or at least that's what i'm hoping for..

mimpi bangun tidur

nganter mama jalan2 di pasar malem, katanya mau beli tahu sumedang terkenal di pasar itu. pas udah nyampe tempatnya, gataunya uda tutup. tapi ada yg jualan tahu sumedang juga di sebelahnya, tempatnya cukup besar, langsung lah mama pesan. mas-mas nya lagi goreng tahu dalam jumlah banyak, pas mama bilang mau beli 2 kotak, dia bilang udah abis, ini smua untuk pesenan orang (yg lagi dia goreng). terus mama ambil semacam sendok bambu besar dan membelah tahu-tahu yg sudah digoreng, untuk melihat isinya, yg ternyata sama mas nya ga digoreng dengan mateng. jadi cuma luarnya aja yg coklat dan crispy tapi dalemnya masih lembek dan ga mateng menyeluruh.

dari pasar, aku dan mama balik ke kosan. kosan ku bentuknya seperti paviliun-paviliun kecil dengan taman di tengah. kamar sebelah ku diisi sama wing-wing dan suaminya, kamar yg di depan...aga lupa siapa yg isi, pokonya perempuan juga dan sekampus. kayanya acha, tp ga gitu jelas sih, lupa mukanya. anyway, karena charger bb lagi-lagi ketinggalan, aku mau pinjem charger ke wing2. tapi dia chargernya aneh, katanya menggunakan tenaga elektromagnetik yg kuat. di mimpi, saat aku menyolokkna kabelnya ke stop-kontak chargernya jd punya kekuatan magnet terus nempel di tangan gw yg baru mau nyolokin charger ke hp -______-. rasanya sih ga sakit, tapi kaget aja tiba2 ada benda metal nempel di lengan, seperti lintah tapi dengan sedikit kerasa gesekan2 listrik. cepat-cepat aku cabut dari listrik supaya dia mati. dua kali kaya gitu, aku melihat dengan bingung ke arah wing2,"ini gimana sih wing?? T^T" oh, ternyata di chargernya ada tombol untuk memberhentikan arus listrik semntara. akhirnya berhasil nge-charge juga.

ga lama ada ketukan di pintu kosan..pas dibuka ternyata datang ponti dengan rombongannya. ada alfi, gem, tama, dan terakhir si cowo ini. gw aga shock ngeliatnya. trus ponti dengan muka sok gatau apa-apa bilang,"kay, katanya dia mau ngomong tuh.." ..err.

trus gw keluar dan sebelum gw ngomong apa-apa, dia bilang,"gimana kalo kita udahin aja semua sekarang? ga berhubungan lagi." abis ngomong gitu dia jalan dengan cepat agak sedikit lari dan gw masih bingung ngejar dia ke arah gang. lalu gw liat dia masuk ke cafe, pas gw ngejar masuk, ternyata di dalem cafe rame dengan temen-temennya (yang ga ada satupun yg gw kenal). trus ada satu yang megang karton putih dengan tulisan 'would you marry me..?'

pas baca tulisan itu gw langsung lemes kaki, jongkok di depan cafe. soalnya asa ga mungkin dia ngelamar, gw kira dia uda kapok dan trauma dengan marriage.
terus aku lihat ada hiasan taman berbentuk sangkar burung warna putih, aku ambil terus aku pake di kepala sebagai topi dan lari dari cafe sambil megangin benda itu (soalnya malu dan i need something to cover my face). merasa bodoh, aku nengok ke belakang dan cowo itu ternyata ngikutin aku sambil jalan santai. akhirnya gw berenti, trus lari ke arah dia. peluk erat sambil ketawa bodoh.

akhirnya kita balik ke cafe. sampe di depan cafe ternyata aku ga pake baju, cuma pake panty doang. dia bilang ke temennya yg cewe untuk ambilin baju untuk gw. sambil nunggu baju dateng aku bilang ke dia,"ah, padahal gw uda ngebayangin ketemu elu di bandara, uda ngebayangin jemput terus pelukan." terus dia cuma nyengir.

"ini kapan nyiapinnya?" aku tanya.
"dari pagi tadi hehehe..." dia jawab.

akhirnya temennya dateng, "nih kaos oleh-oleh dari ... (nama cowo itu). ini juga oleh-oleh nih, tas untuk ngebungkus pisang, lucu deh tasnya bisa dikupas. oiya ini satu lagi ada sofa rakitan, bentuk persis dengan sofa yang kamu dudukin sekarang"

haha, rasanya aneh. terus aku lihat ada temennya yg lagi buka semacam buku, isinya foto2 orang. yang kalo halamannya dibuka dan didiemin, nanti gambarnya gerak seperti video. dan tiap halaman beda gambar, dan tiap gambar akan gerak kaya video kalo halamannya dibiarkan terbuka. mejik!

udah agak kabur sih ingatan soal mimpinya yg kesini2nya, tp aku ingat dia meluk aku, trus gw baca topi yg dia pake tulisannya 'please don't make me pollute my mouth ...trus ada semacam daftar kata2 yg insulting people haha, yah semacam 9gag stuff.

udah sih, kayanya ga lama setelah itu aku bangun.
kirain udah jam 8 dan bakal telat masuk sekolah, gataunya masi setengah 7.
ga mandi deh, cuci muka, ganti baju, make-up an, trus cabut.

....aneh.

want..to..try.. !

Holy Shit, How Can I Do It!

You are going to need three things: a ping-pong ball, a radio with headphones and a red light.

Step 1: Turn the radio to a station with just white noise (static), and put on your headphones.

Step 2: Cut the ping-pong ball in half and tape each half over your eyes.

Step 3: Turn the red light so it's facing your eyes.

Step 4: Sit there for at least a half an hour.

Step 5: Follow Ben Franklin and your new friend, Harold the unicorn, into the gumdrop forest, and live happily ever after.

taken from http://www.cracked.com/article/127_5-ways-to-hack-your-brain-into-awesomeness/?wa_user1=5&wa_user2=Science&wa_user3=article&wa_user4=noincite

excuses

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	High
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	High
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Low
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	High
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Dependent Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Low
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --

masalah pertama

gatau apa memang saya ini sebenernya pemalu atau segitu gampangnya terintimidasi atau mungkin memang self-esteem saya serendah itu, tapi aku merasa kesulitan untuk menatap mata orang saat berbicara. kecuali kalau memang harus, atau kalau saya sedang berbohong, atau kalau saya sedang menggoda.

tapi bahkan saya ga bisa menatap lama2 mata saya sendiri saat bercermin. rasanya malu dan bodoh dan tertangkap basah.

setiap kali saya yakin bahwa saya memiliki rasa percaya diri rendah, saya selalu mendapati bahwa sebenernya rasa percaya diri saya tidak serendah itu. tapi disaat saya butuh untuk merasa percaya diri, saya langsung merasa tidak mampu.

i feel divine

home and comfort zone is whenever i put on my earphones and turn on my music playlist.

home and comfort zone is whenever i look at my surroundings and the people inside it and i smiled because i felt that's the time and place where i truly belong.

my home and my comfort zone will always change, but the feeling is always be the same comfortable and loving. when i see the people i care about is around me, within my reach and all laughing and smiling with sincerity, that's when i feel home.

my comfort zone is whenever i feel carefree, when i am able to do anything without worrying the consequences of hurting somebody. when i can do anything with no worries about the future i'm making.

i feel divine whenever i captured a moment, smiled silently saving all the details to my treasure chest that i fill only with memories that i knew will only happened once in my lifespan.

trust me,

it's paradise.

this is where the hungry come to feed.

for mine is a generation that circles the globe

in search of something we haven't tried before.

so, never refused an invitation.

never resist the unfamiliar.

never fail to be polite.

and, never outstay your welcome.

just keep your mind open,

and suck the experience.

and if it hurts,

you know what?

it's probably worth it.

you hope, and you dream.

but you never believe

that something is going to happen for you

not like it does in the movies.

and when it actually does,

you expect it to feel different.

more visirale,

more real.

i was waiting for it to hit me.

i still believe in paradise.

but now at least i know,

it's not some place you can look for.

'cause it's not where you go,

it's how you feel for a moment in your life.

and if you find that moment,

it lasts forever.

Orbital and Angelo Badalamenti 

(from the movie The Beach)

wasted days

holla!

i know having friends are important and even if you have a lot of time and money but you have no one to shared it with, then you have nothing.

okay maybe it's not always like that. you can always have a quality time for yourself, go to the spa, get a warm massage, re-do your hairstyle and so-on.

but when you realized that what you need is a company from your close circle, but they're not available, i mean you of course have many friends, but when they're unreachable at the same time, then what? and you're not in the mood for that lonely quality time.. yeah, that's sucks.

wasting the time, even be too lazy to eat. just sit and smoke and cold water. makes you feel that you need more friends, you need to make more circles.

pheww.. i hope this kind of time won't come again.

this is one of my reason why i want to leave Jakarta, to resign from my job now. maybe move to Bandung again, because the distance isn't so far there and i have more options of circle to mingle. but in Bandung, i will spoiled my self again for sure.

so, what will i do now? still too early to go to bed, but i'm already tired from the day.