i d k

i'm still afraid to know the truth.
any truth.
the scariest thing for me is being confronted with the bitter truth.
i'm slowly turning off my curiosity.
because if i dig for the truth, i know there'll be something that's gonna hurt me.
and i've had enough pain without searching for it.

like, there's this guy that i like so much.
it never occur to me to search about him.
to read what he wrote, to see what he saw..
i just enjoyed his presence.
until that time. ...

now i really want to know about him,
but i'm still scared to dig about him.
it's been quiet a long time since i act like this.
even with my last ex, i didn't want to know about him this much.

i just didn't know what to do.
i feel like a boy who really like a girl but doesn't want to scare her away, you know?
i want to understand and know her better, but i'm afraid.
...
i don't know.

25

so.
25 it is.
turning point, i suppose?

kejutan dan putaran tak terduga di penghujung umur 24 mulai aku lihat sebagai hadiah dari hidup.
life loves me, that's why it teases me a lot.
but the spotlight has been turned off now.
setelah perhatian penuh lalu sekarang diam. 25 sudah mendarat berat dan perlahan di tengah perut saya menunggu untuk dikerjakan. menunggu rencana-rencana dan keputusan bijak.

yah keputusan pertama saya adalah quit smoking.

sedangkan achievement-achievement lainnya...masih belum tau.
banyak yang saya inginkan, tapi tidak ada usaha menuju kesana.
bahkan fokus ke yang sudah saya punya sekarang saja sulit.

terlalu menganggap enteng hidup. terlalu santai. terlalu memanjakan nurani. terlalu ingin menjadi orang lain.

sehabis 25, semua akan berjalan secepat cahaya. dan tiba-tiba besok saya bangun tengah malam di umur 33. terkejut dan menangis karena masih berada di titik yang sama. ya ampun, jangan sampe deh ya. amit-amit.

sekarang rasanya seperti di-reset. kosong lagi.
kemarin pesta hiruk pikuk dan sekarang sepi saupi.
dumbfounded.
rasanya ingin mengeluh tapi bahkan saya sendiri sudah muak mendengar keluhan-keluhan ini.
rasanya ingin tetap okus dan berfungsi seperti biasa, tapi kayanya kemarin ada skrup yang lepas..mungkin skrup logika ya.

anyways, ...welcome!
and start running!

please

don't think.
don't think too much or your real self would find out the truth.
and when it does, then it all will be over before it even starts.

keep telling your true self that you're not done yet.
that you haven't achieve anything.
that you still have to keep trying and struggling.
and it's not the time yet to give yourself a present.

don't let your imagination runs too wild, because your true self will get excited, happy and then she'll starts to think that is was real. then she'll stop trying. she'll stop fighting.
she's too naive, and you knew it.
so please, be wise.

stop think.
if you want to let your imagination runs wild, then do it while you write.

love. is it?
no. stop think.
stop guessing.
please.

i guess the lord must be in new york city

I say goodbye to all my sorrows
And by tomorrow I'll be on my way
I guess the lord must be in New York City

I'm so tired of getting nowhere
Seein' my prayers going unanswered
I guess the lord must be in New York City

Well here I am Lord
Knocking on your back door
Ain't it wonderful to be
Where I've always wanted to be
For the first time I'll be free
In New York City

I say goodbye to all my sorrows
And by tomorrow I'll be on my way
I guess the lord must be in New York City

I'm so tired of getting nowhere
Seein' my prayers going unanswered
I guess the lord must be in New York City

Well here I am Lord
Knocking on your back door
Ain't it wonderful to be
Where I've always wanted to be
For the first time I'll be free
In New York City 


#by Harry Nilson

perempuan

beruntung aku dilahirkan sebagai perempuan. mungkin aku berpikir begini karena seumur hidup aku hanya tau bagaimana rasanya jadi perempuan ya.. merasa beruntung karena kalau ga gitu pasti makin stress, haha.

kenapa beruntung?
karena semua pasti mengerti saat aku berkata bodoh saat sedang emosi.
karena aku pasti mengucapkan hal bodoh saat sedang emosi.
karena hanya perempuan yang boleh nangis sambil ketawa.

reverse psychology.
itu salah satu kunci, tapi tidak berlaku setiap saat.

sabar ya :)

heart

dia yang berani bilang 'i love you' tapi ragu saat mengucap 'aku cinta kamu'.
dia yang berani mengucap 'aku cinta kamu' dengan yakin tapi tidak paham dengan kekuatan kata-kata tersebut.

ingin aku tulis panjang lebar..tapi..ngga deh.

saya hanya berharap, 'i love you' sama artinya dengan 'aku cinta kamu'.
mohon pikir-pikir dulu dengan seksama apa itu cinta menurutmu, dan apakah kamu rela melakukan hal sehebat itu kepada orang ini.
kalau ya, maka silakan ucapkan kata-kata itu dengan lembut dan sepenuh hati.
tapi ingat, kata-kata akan kehilangan maknanya kalau diucap terlalu sering.

karena kalimat terburuk adalah 'aku cinta kamu, tapi...'
karena kalimat terindah adalah '...tapi, aku cinta kamu.'

take a chance on me

maybe this was the biggest mistake of my life yet i still have my pride.
but my pride never that big anyway, my necessity is always bigger than my pride.
and you, i need you.
i would kneel down upon you, ask for forgiveness. but then again, i still have my not-so-big pride inside me. i couldn't lose you for this emotional burst, i just felt insecure.
i can't see the real you. i can't trust myself.

but, i already ruined this relationship anyway, so please..let's make a new one, with the new 'us'.
take a chance on me.