lesson learned about dealing with bad decision

free will means (in my humble opinion) that, you make your own path, you make your own decision, no one, not even 'god' knows which path you will choose, which way you will make. meaning, you are on your own. all of the consequences (good or bad) that you've made is entirely happened because of you decision.

now. isn't that sounds a bit...heavy?

i mean, of course it makes you respect more about decision making and think before decide-it-anyway.

but me, i prefer to see it in a more flexible way. i'm not that mentally strong person (nor physically), so i decided that i'm not strong enough to carry the concept of having free will. i like to pretend that i have tho'.. like, when it happens, when i thought i've made a bad decision and the effect after that is too hard for me to get through it, i always reminded myself that i'm the one who make the first decision. i already know the consequences, but i do it anyway. so i won't put the blame to anyone else but me.

but, if it's still too heavy, then i switch my mind set to not-believe-in-free-will.

i'll say to myself that, this is meant to be.

i was meant to think that i've made a wrong decision, but there must be something good come out from that situation. then i'll tell myself to keep calm, whatever happen, happens.

so, the rules are :

- think wisely before you decide.

- think about the consequences and the worst case scenario, is it worth the action? do you really really want to do it even after you aware of the consequences? if yes, then do it.

- you've hurt someone else because of your decision? feel guilty until you promise your self you won't do the same mistake in the future.

- don't let guilt dwarf you. remember, everything goes with a reason. you might not meant to hurt someone but if someone gets hurt anyway, think that this might be your role. that someone might have to be hurt by you (or someone else) for their own good. because being hurt can make people more mature and will make them stronger. if they can't handle being hurt and be a bad person because of that, then that's their problem, that's their decision. not yours anymore. the most important thing is you feel guilty, you regret, but you learn from it, forgive yourself and move on.

- open your mind. if you're in a bad situation, always remember that there's no one to blame but yourself.

- moaning and compalining about it will just make you worse. because nobody wanna be friends with a moaner and complainer. 

- knowledge your mistakes, accept, and deal with the problems. if it's too heavy, you can always blame god or the universe for it. but don't stop trying your best.

- you can complain, but you also have to know that complaining too much without thinking about solution will just make you a b*tch. and you'll lose your friends. and that's not their fault.

- don't forget that you can always start again. losing someone that you love dearly is not an easy task, but you will have to get through it anyway.

...

yeah well, i'll be 26 soon. so maybe this is some lesson i've learned in my 25 years of being human.

the result from daring the Universe

so. i can say that it started about 6 months ago.
when i easily get bored of my life. no zest, no new things, a bit flat.
so i dared the Universe to prove that they're that powerful, to give me more surprises, more big surprises, nothing that i can expect.

and then it starts.

first, i met this guy. never meant to make him my lover in the first place, but it turns out he's the best guy i ever had after my ex. i'm in love again but still in control. he's a keeper.

second, i resigned from my job being a teacher. so impulsive, spontaneous. even though i wasn't that ready but i quit anyway.

third, i used my last salary to take an introductory class of glass workshop in singapore. i was told by my boyfriend that he has a good friend that's also a glass artist, and she open a workshop class. so i bought a one-way ticket to singapore and live in my teacher's  house, while taking the workshop and doing some errands for her. i've made myself useful and helping her because she let me lives on her house. but in the end, she still gives me some money because she appreciated my works.

fourth, one of my boyfriend's goal is to travels southeast asia before he turn 31. i never thought that i will ever be able to go with him pursuing that dream. but he got payment from his last project, and there's still some money left so he asked me to go with him, traveling southeast asia. started from singapore, took a bus to kuala lumpur, took a sleeper train to hatyai thailand, took another sleeper train to bangkok, took another sleeper train to chiang mai, took a local bus to chiang rai, hitchhiked toward chiang khong until we found a local transport, crossed the mekong river to huay xai laos, took the speed boat to luang prabang, took a bus to vientiane, took a bus to thakaek, had the thakaek loop 3 days trip, took a bus to don khong, hitched a ride to don det, took a bus to strungtreng cambodia, took a bus to phnom penh, took a bus to saigon vietnam, then took a flight back to singapore.

fifth, on the night after i got back in singapore, i wrote again to universe on my fb status. daring what to do next. and the next day i found a letter from my glass teacher, offering me a stable job to be her assistant, she even gave me a cellphone as a gift. i was speechless. so fast, universe. haha.

sixth, my plan when i was deciding i want to resign is go to bali and find a job there. and yet, i got stuck in singapore much more longer than my plan. after i got that job offer from my glass teacher, i was quiet sure that live in singapore will be my future. but then, my boyfriend's friend who works in bali was searching for someone to do some accounts job. so my boyfriend linked him to me. and i get interested in the job because it's in bali like my first plan, and it's an accounts job that i really wanna learn. and that's when i got depressed. it was very dilemmatic, in one side, working in singapore will give a very good point on my cv and i know my help is needed there. but on the other side, i really wanna go to bali. it's my plan A. but after a long thought, i chose bali.

seventh, that last day in singapore i still have some works to do before i can leave in peace. my flight was at 6.35pm, and i should've been there at least 2 hours before my flight hour. but at 5.10 i was still standing on the sidewalk trying to haul a taxi. panicking and crying, i was really afraid that the check-in gate will be closed when i get there. then desperately i took a bus to the airport, and when i get there the check-in gate is still open. relieved, felt stupid, laughed (while murmured 'fuck you universe).

eighth, when i decided to go to bali anyway, there's still a chance i might not get the job in here. because they still wanna interviewed me in person first before they agree to hire me or not. but then i got hired, and found a safe place to live, at least until august.

so. right now, i'm gonna stop daring the universe. i mean, i'm gonna dare it again in the future, but not anytime soon. it was a very effective method to have an exciting road in life. you should try it. the key is, don't be afraid of what might come, do not hesitate, do not over-think, and always wear your best attitude wherever, whenever.

good luck, keep breathing and don't panic!

yet

that stage when i cried alone and no one know because there's nobody around me.
i just break there, wounds open and nobody knows. then i just star to lick my wounds, ick and lick until it feels better. better enough to put on a smile.
i hate that stage. because i was forced to be strong.

i never was a strong one. but i have to.
and i never get used to it.

i think people see me because they think i'm strong, but they're wrong.
i'm tired being strong.
because they won't feel that bad when they leave me.

i'm tired to be the one that have to understands.
that's why sometimes i pick the role as antagonist.
hurting people on purpose.
not good. i know.

i may appear strong, but that's because i don't trust you yet.

biarkan aku pulang

kemarin menemukan notebook2 lama yang aku bengkalaikan sejak terkena banjir di kosan lama setahun yang lalu. ada beberapa draft puisi di dalamnya. beberapa sudah saya tulis disini, tapi nampaknya yang ini belum...

judulnya, seperti biasa, diambil dari kalimat terakhir :D


aku, tulang rusuk yang berkelana.
bertualang demi kembali pulang.
karena aku tahu, 
tanpa aku, seseorang di luar sana
belum lengkap.
belum sempurna.

dan aku?

aku rindu pulang, sayang.
berkumpul, bertemu kembali
dengan jantung mu.

sudah agak lelah aku berjalan.
sudah cukup banyak pelajaran
tentang melepaskan yang aku lalui.

sekarang, yang bisa aku lakukan
hanya menunggu mu selesai belajar
dan mulai melangkah ke arah ku.

aku mohon, 
biarkan aku pulang.


juni 16, 2011




haha, pas baca ini agak ketawa sih.
life is truly an adventure. throwing you fate and destinies you can not expect to known before..
enjoy the journey, because all of us have a mutual final destination :)

affection control

aku tidak akan meminta maaf akan gaya menulisku yang tidak pandai berpuisi dan merangkai kata dengan puitis dan indah. aku lebih suka blak-blakan seperti ini. tidak menutupi atau mengganti kata agar terbaca bagus dan rapi.

banyak unek-unek yang ingin aku sampaikan dan tuangkan, tapi tidak bisa bila harus mengerahkan semua isi pikiran ku ke dia. karena i have to keep my cool. walaupun harga diriku bukan disini, tapi kalau aku sampaikan semua yang ada di kepala yang ada dia bakal cape dan muak, hahaha.
ya, aku memang jagonya dalam membuat orang jenuh dan muak dengan segala curahan afeksi ku.

...bener kan afeksi? affection? afeksi? atau aku hanya mengarang kata baru dengan sok tau? biarlah..

ribet ya, saat mulai care tapi tetep harus nge-rem supaya ga bikin eneg orang yg di-care-in.

hahahaha ngaco banget sih bahasa gw..

ya well, penyakit akut yang harus mulai dipaksa untuk belajar ngontrol. demi saya sendiri sih.

heuhh..

disturbingly normal

when all you do is showing your love, showing that you care, showing that you need him too.
showing that you are willing to fight to keep him by your side.

showing that you love him in every chance that you got until saying 'i love you' is not a big deal anymore.  because act is much bigger than the words itself.

have you ever been in a relationship with a guy that you just met but you instantly feel comfortable with? you are aware, totally aware that he's a stranger, you don't know anything about him, you just met him twice.

it feels like there's already a foundation in the relationship and both of you just continue to walk in that road with that already exist foundation.
because it feels very natural, like we already know each other for a long time. we just have to catch up a bit but all is totally under control, we easily understands each other.

it's just.. disturbingly normal.

we just started the relationship for 3 or 4 weeks, but it feels like i've been around him for years. makes me wonder, am i really never met this guy before? never knew him at all? it's just.. too strange. too comfortable, too easy, too familiar..

but i'll keep walking anyway. now that i found him and we're together, there will be a lot of memories we're gonna make in the future :)

or at least that's what i'm hoping for..

mimpi bangun tidur

nganter mama jalan2 di pasar malem, katanya mau beli tahu sumedang terkenal di pasar itu. pas udah nyampe tempatnya, gataunya uda tutup. tapi ada yg jualan tahu sumedang juga di sebelahnya, tempatnya cukup besar, langsung lah mama pesan. mas-mas nya lagi goreng tahu dalam jumlah banyak, pas mama bilang mau beli 2 kotak, dia bilang udah abis, ini smua untuk pesenan orang (yg lagi dia goreng). terus mama ambil semacam sendok bambu besar dan membelah tahu-tahu yg sudah digoreng, untuk melihat isinya, yg ternyata sama mas nya ga digoreng dengan mateng. jadi cuma luarnya aja yg coklat dan crispy tapi dalemnya masih lembek dan ga mateng menyeluruh.

dari pasar, aku dan mama balik ke kosan. kosan ku bentuknya seperti paviliun-paviliun kecil dengan taman di tengah. kamar sebelah ku diisi sama wing-wing dan suaminya, kamar yg di depan...aga lupa siapa yg isi, pokonya perempuan juga dan sekampus. kayanya acha, tp ga gitu jelas sih, lupa mukanya. anyway, karena charger bb lagi-lagi ketinggalan, aku mau pinjem charger ke wing2. tapi dia chargernya aneh, katanya menggunakan tenaga elektromagnetik yg kuat. di mimpi, saat aku menyolokkna kabelnya ke stop-kontak chargernya jd punya kekuatan magnet terus nempel di tangan gw yg baru mau nyolokin charger ke hp -______-. rasanya sih ga sakit, tapi kaget aja tiba2 ada benda metal nempel di lengan, seperti lintah tapi dengan sedikit kerasa gesekan2 listrik. cepat-cepat aku cabut dari listrik supaya dia mati. dua kali kaya gitu, aku melihat dengan bingung ke arah wing2,"ini gimana sih wing?? T^T" oh, ternyata di chargernya ada tombol untuk memberhentikan arus listrik semntara. akhirnya berhasil nge-charge juga.

ga lama ada ketukan di pintu kosan..pas dibuka ternyata datang ponti dengan rombongannya. ada alfi, gem, tama, dan terakhir si cowo ini. gw aga shock ngeliatnya. trus ponti dengan muka sok gatau apa-apa bilang,"kay, katanya dia mau ngomong tuh.." ..err.

trus gw keluar dan sebelum gw ngomong apa-apa, dia bilang,"gimana kalo kita udahin aja semua sekarang? ga berhubungan lagi." abis ngomong gitu dia jalan dengan cepat agak sedikit lari dan gw masih bingung ngejar dia ke arah gang. lalu gw liat dia masuk ke cafe, pas gw ngejar masuk, ternyata di dalem cafe rame dengan temen-temennya (yang ga ada satupun yg gw kenal). trus ada satu yang megang karton putih dengan tulisan 'would you marry me..?'

pas baca tulisan itu gw langsung lemes kaki, jongkok di depan cafe. soalnya asa ga mungkin dia ngelamar, gw kira dia uda kapok dan trauma dengan marriage.
terus aku lihat ada hiasan taman berbentuk sangkar burung warna putih, aku ambil terus aku pake di kepala sebagai topi dan lari dari cafe sambil megangin benda itu (soalnya malu dan i need something to cover my face). merasa bodoh, aku nengok ke belakang dan cowo itu ternyata ngikutin aku sambil jalan santai. akhirnya gw berenti, trus lari ke arah dia. peluk erat sambil ketawa bodoh.

akhirnya kita balik ke cafe. sampe di depan cafe ternyata aku ga pake baju, cuma pake panty doang. dia bilang ke temennya yg cewe untuk ambilin baju untuk gw. sambil nunggu baju dateng aku bilang ke dia,"ah, padahal gw uda ngebayangin ketemu elu di bandara, uda ngebayangin jemput terus pelukan." terus dia cuma nyengir.

"ini kapan nyiapinnya?" aku tanya.
"dari pagi tadi hehehe..." dia jawab.

akhirnya temennya dateng, "nih kaos oleh-oleh dari ... (nama cowo itu). ini juga oleh-oleh nih, tas untuk ngebungkus pisang, lucu deh tasnya bisa dikupas. oiya ini satu lagi ada sofa rakitan, bentuk persis dengan sofa yang kamu dudukin sekarang"

haha, rasanya aneh. terus aku lihat ada temennya yg lagi buka semacam buku, isinya foto2 orang. yang kalo halamannya dibuka dan didiemin, nanti gambarnya gerak seperti video. dan tiap halaman beda gambar, dan tiap gambar akan gerak kaya video kalo halamannya dibiarkan terbuka. mejik!

udah agak kabur sih ingatan soal mimpinya yg kesini2nya, tp aku ingat dia meluk aku, trus gw baca topi yg dia pake tulisannya 'please don't make me pollute my mouth ...trus ada semacam daftar kata2 yg insulting people haha, yah semacam 9gag stuff.

udah sih, kayanya ga lama setelah itu aku bangun.
kirain udah jam 8 dan bakal telat masuk sekolah, gataunya masi setengah 7.
ga mandi deh, cuci muka, ganti baju, make-up an, trus cabut.

....aneh.

want..to..try.. !

Holy Shit, How Can I Do It!

You are going to need three things: a ping-pong ball, a radio with headphones and a red light.

Step 1: Turn the radio to a station with just white noise (static), and put on your headphones.

Step 2: Cut the ping-pong ball in half and tape each half over your eyes.

Step 3: Turn the red light so it's facing your eyes.

Step 4: Sit there for at least a half an hour.

Step 5: Follow Ben Franklin and your new friend, Harold the unicorn, into the gumdrop forest, and live happily ever after.

taken from http://www.cracked.com/article/127_5-ways-to-hack-your-brain-into-awesomeness/?wa_user1=5&wa_user2=Science&wa_user3=article&wa_user4=noincite

excuses

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	High
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	High
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Low
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	High
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Dependent Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Low
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --

masalah pertama

gatau apa memang saya ini sebenernya pemalu atau segitu gampangnya terintimidasi atau mungkin memang self-esteem saya serendah itu, tapi aku merasa kesulitan untuk menatap mata orang saat berbicara. kecuali kalau memang harus, atau kalau saya sedang berbohong, atau kalau saya sedang menggoda.

tapi bahkan saya ga bisa menatap lama2 mata saya sendiri saat bercermin. rasanya malu dan bodoh dan tertangkap basah.

setiap kali saya yakin bahwa saya memiliki rasa percaya diri rendah, saya selalu mendapati bahwa sebenernya rasa percaya diri saya tidak serendah itu. tapi disaat saya butuh untuk merasa percaya diri, saya langsung merasa tidak mampu.

i feel divine

home and comfort zone is whenever i put on my earphones and turn on my music playlist.

home and comfort zone is whenever i look at my surroundings and the people inside it and i smiled because i felt that's the time and place where i truly belong.

my home and my comfort zone will always change, but the feeling is always be the same comfortable and loving. when i see the people i care about is around me, within my reach and all laughing and smiling with sincerity, that's when i feel home.

my comfort zone is whenever i feel carefree, when i am able to do anything without worrying the consequences of hurting somebody. when i can do anything with no worries about the future i'm making.

i feel divine whenever i captured a moment, smiled silently saving all the details to my treasure chest that i fill only with memories that i knew will only happened once in my lifespan.

trust me,

it's paradise.

this is where the hungry come to feed.

for mine is a generation that circles the globe

in search of something we haven't tried before.

so, never refused an invitation.

never resist the unfamiliar.

never fail to be polite.

and, never outstay your welcome.

just keep your mind open,

and suck the experience.

and if it hurts,

you know what?

it's probably worth it.

you hope, and you dream.

but you never believe

that something is going to happen for you

not like it does in the movies.

and when it actually does,

you expect it to feel different.

more visirale,

more real.

i was waiting for it to hit me.

i still believe in paradise.

but now at least i know,

it's not some place you can look for.

'cause it's not where you go,

it's how you feel for a moment in your life.

and if you find that moment,

it lasts forever.

Orbital and Angelo Badalamenti 

(from the movie The Beach)

wasted days

holla!

i know having friends are important and even if you have a lot of time and money but you have no one to shared it with, then you have nothing.

okay maybe it's not always like that. you can always have a quality time for yourself, go to the spa, get a warm massage, re-do your hairstyle and so-on.

but when you realized that what you need is a company from your close circle, but they're not available, i mean you of course have many friends, but when they're unreachable at the same time, then what? and you're not in the mood for that lonely quality time.. yeah, that's sucks.

wasting the time, even be too lazy to eat. just sit and smoke and cold water. makes you feel that you need more friends, you need to make more circles.

pheww.. i hope this kind of time won't come again.

this is one of my reason why i want to leave Jakarta, to resign from my job now. maybe move to Bandung again, because the distance isn't so far there and i have more options of circle to mingle. but in Bandung, i will spoiled my self again for sure.

so, what will i do now? still too early to go to bed, but i'm already tired from the day.

jujur

jujur.

saya kangen dipeluk.

dan dicium semuka-muka.

stronger

i know that i'm not alone. i never be completely alone. i always have a friend or two who will always get my back whenever i need.
but, somehow by thinking that i'm alone in this world teach me to never really depend on anybody.
to think that i don't really have any true friend pushed me to be stronger.


it's a lie, right?
what i wrote above was a lie, right?

everybody knows, you're in your weakest when you are alone.
you're weak when you think you are alone, and you will be truly weak when you know that you are alone. when you truly know that you don't have anybody to turn to.

scenario #2 : "can we kiss?"

udara malam itu terasa renyah saat aku menghirup nafas dalam-dalam. jantungku mulai berdetak lebih cepat karena tiba-tiba kami berjalan sambil diam.

malam ini kami janjian untuk makan malam, yang ternyata berlanjut menjadi kencan pertama. obrolan kami seru dan sudah nyambung dari awal. aku yakin bukan hanya aku saja yang merasakan adanya maksud lain dari tertawa ringannya dan sapuan lembut tanganku saat mencoba membaca garis tangannya.

sambil berjalan perlahan, kami tenggelam dalam pikiran masing-masing. aku tidak tahu apa yang di dalam pikirannya, tapi yang jelas pikiran ku aktif membayangkan segala skenario yang mungkin terjadi di penghujung kencan ini. tetapi sebenarnya yang bikin aku sangat penasaran adalah bagaimana rasa genggaman tangannya. ya, dari semua bentuk affection, bergandengan tangan adalah favorit ku. dan tangan laki-laki ini nampak begitu kuat dan hangat.

akhirnya kami berhenti di tengah taman kota, dan duduk di bangku taman. masih diam. masih canggung.

"kenyaaaaaang..!" ujar ku, berharap dia untuk memulai topik bahasan lain.

tapi hanya hanya nyengir dan menggelengkan kepala. ..aku merasa bodoh.

tiba-tiba tangannya berada di atas kepalaku, dan perlahan mengarahkan wajahku ke depan wajahnya. jantungku semakin berdebar dan otakku berteriak-teriak,'APA?? KENAPA?? KENAPA DIA BEGINI?? DIA MAU APA?? OH TIDAK, OH TIDAAAAKK!! jangan ketawa, please, jangan mengakak di depan mukanya, oh aku mohon semoga wajahku tidak tampak bodoh.. aduh aduh kenapa ini, dia mau appaaaa??!' berisik sekali di dalam kepalaku, tapi untungnya tidak ada sepatah kata pun yang keluar dari mulutku.

sampai akhirnya dia mendekatkan wajahnya.. sepertinya dia akan menciumku.

"tunggu." terdengar keluar dari mulutku. "tunggu sebentar."

saling menjauhkan wajah, dan tangannya pun diturunkan dari atas kepalaku.

setelah menghela nafas, aku berkata,"maaf, sekarang aku tidak bisa lagi mencium orang sembarangan. apalagi kalau ternyata ini ciuman hanya karena terbawa suasana." fiuh. agak kaget karena aku berhasil mengatakannya, ternyata otakku masih berfungsi.

dia tersenyum dan memalingkan wajahnya, menatap ke depan. sebelum dia mengatakan sesuatu, aku segera menambahkan,"bukannya aku gamau ciuman sama kamu lho, pengen banget malah. tapi takut ini cuma main-main buat kamu nya. karena sekarang aku sudah ga butuh hubungan yang main-main, dan dalam hubungan main-main pun aku serius. jadi kalau sekarang kita ciuman lalu besok-besok kita tidak ada kelanjutan, aku yang repot."

setelah jeda yang terasa lama, akhirnya dia menjawab,"kenapa kamu pikir aku orang sembarangan?"

"karena selama kita kenal, baru sekali ini kita jalan berdua aja. dan baru jalan sekali masa langsung ciuman?"

"kenapa engga? chemistry nya udah enak ko. ya kan? kamu juga ngerasa kan?"

"iya sih. tapi tetep aja kan belum ada kejelasan. ga bisa dong tiba-tiba nyodor bibir tanpa ada obrolan sebelumnya?"

terdiam sejenak. lalu sambil menghela nafas dia bilang,"dasar perempuan."

"kenapa??" ujarku, merasa tersinggung.

"ribet," jawabnya sambil mengacak-acak rambutku.

kami saling diam, memerhatikan mobil yang lewat sesekali.

tidak tahan dengan kecanggungan ini, aku pun bertanya,"jadi gimana?"

"gimana apanya?"

"ciumannya.." jawaban bodoh tapi jujur, dan aku bisa merasakan peredaran darah di wajahku yang tiba-tiba menjadi cepat.

"hmm. jadi harus jadi pacar dulu baru boleh nyium?"

jawaban tak terduga. dasar cowok sialan. mukaku semakin panas dan nafasku memendek. tidak tahu harus menjawab apa.
daripada diam akhirnya dengan muka bodoh aku bilang,"..hah?"

"hahahahahaha, muka kamu bego banget deh, ahahahahahh!" dia malah tertawa. baguslah, suasanya akhirnya menjadi lebih cair.

"ya abisnya tiba-tiba nanya gitu.." gumam ku salah tingkah. ah sial, kenapa sih aku ga bisa akting cool?

lalu dia meneruskan,"jadi lebih aneh abis kencan pertama langsung ciuman, atau abis kencan pertama langsung ngajak pacaran?"

"kayanya abis kencan pertama mendingan dianter pulang, mikir semalem dulu dibawa tidur, trus lihat besok saat bangun tidur hal pertama apa yang ada di dalam pikiran kita. gimana? oke kan?"

"jadi mau pulang aja nih sekarang?" tanya nya, nampaknya berharap masih bisa duduk lebih lama. tapi aku sudah terlalu salah tingkah dan tidak tahu harus bersikap bagaimana kalau duduk lebih lama lagi.

"iya. pulang aja yuk. gapapa kan?" tanya ku berbasa-basi, karena sebenarnya aku tidak terlalu peduli dia apa-apa atau tidak. aku ingin cepat pulang dan lompat ke atas tempat tidur.

"oke." jawab nya santai. kenapa dia santai sih? kenapa dia ga salah tingkah juga?! ah, menyebalkan.

dia berjalan di depan ku, kedua tangannya dimasukkan ke dalam saku jeans nya. aku masih penasaran dengan genggaman tangannya.

sudah kepalang malu, aku bertanya,"eh..boleh gandeng tangan, ngga? hehe"
walau tadi ciumannya aku tolak, tapi semoga dia masih mau meminjamkan tangannya.

untungnya, dia tidak menjawab apa-apa, tapi langsung mengeluarkan tangannya dari saku jeans dan menggandeng erat tanganku.

bahagia.

senyum sepanjang jalan pulang.

mungkin nanti di depan pagar rumah aku yang akan menciumnya, setelah meminta dia untuk menjadi pacarku.

live with it.

it's not like i'm talking to you into blaming yourself for every stupidity you've done in your last years of living.  i just wanna tell you that it was you, yourself, who've made those decisions.

even if it was somebody else who has talked you to choose a bad decision, but it was actually you who chose the final option, the one who chose which way to take.

yea i'm just saying that regrets won't brings you nowhere.

just make sure that you've realized that you've made a mistake. you took the wrong way, chose the wrong words, apologized, and then live with it. live with your mistakes, do not deny them. accept and live with it.

so you've made a mistake, so did everybody else.
so you've said something terrible, but you have your own reasons and conditions.
okay maybe you just did something bad with no reason, well then, do not whine about it.
if you knew you're gonna get a negative response but you still did it anyway, then do not come crying and whining when everybody gives you a terrible look.

you can't make everybody's happy, you can't fulfill everybody's will.
and you can't always get what you wanted either.

so choose wisely. and if you wanna take a risk, understand the consequences first. then, if you think you're ready, then do it.  and if it isn't come out the way you think it'll be, then it's okay. you've made the decision, you understand the risks, now you just have to live with 'em. learn how to deal with your problem after you made a bad decision. do not deny it because the past is fixed, you can't change 'em.

you just have to ... live with it.

just stop whining, okay?
because however things turned out to be, it's always your decisions, your final decision, that'll bring you out from it or bring you deeper into it.

evaluasi

rasa penasaran dan obsesi karena pride yang tergelitik oleh aura misterius seseorang yang nampaknya sulit untuk ditaklukan padahal orang itu tidak bermaksud untuk bersikap misterius atau apapun, hanya kamu dan imajinasimu yang menimbulkan ilusi bahwa manusia ini harus kamu taklukan sehingga rasa penasaran dan obsesi itu kamu salah arti kan sebagai rasa suka yang berlebih dan keyakinan bahwa kamu ingin bersama orang ini dan siap menerima dia apa adanya dengan segala kelebihan dan kekurangan nya. dan satu poin besar yang nampak dangkal tapi sangat berpengaruh dalam memberi kamu energi untuk terus mengejar dan menunggu dia adalah karena wajahnya yang bagus. dan karena dia single. dan dia nampak seperti he could use some help, you feel like he needs to be fixed. dan kamu suka merasa dibutuhkan, padahal itu semua hanya ada di dalam kepala mu.

kamu pikir kamu jatuh cinta, padahal harusnya kamu lebih tahu dan lebih paham dari siapapun tentang apa itu cinta, dan bagaimana rasanya jatuh cinta. oke, mungkin tidak lebih tahu dari semua orang, tapi setidaknya cukup dapat membedakan lah. atau setidaknya seharusnya kamu hafal rasanya ingin memiliki dan rasanya membutuhkan, karena kamu sering merasa ingin memiliki, tapi kamu baru sekali merasakan membutuhkan seseorang.

akuilah, kamu hanya ingin memiliki dan menaklukan orang ini.
oh ya, tapi kamu tipe yang jalan dulu baru bangun bersama pelan-pelan.
tapi kalau begitu kamu egois, seenaknya. dan kalau kamu sudah terlanjur memberi harapan dan di tengah jalan kamu sadar bahwa ternyata bukan orang ini jawabannya, bagaimana?
putuskan secepatnya sebelum semua berlarut-larut, yap, senjata andalan mu.
seenaknya dan sangat egois.

"harus ada yang berperan sebagai antagonis."
"mungkin peran ku dalam hidup dia adalah dengan mematahkan hatinya, jadi dia bisa menjadi orang yang kuat dan tidak naif dalam memandang dunia."
"oke, aku mulai bosan. nampaknya bukan dia yang aku cari. sebelum semua berjalan lebih jauh, lebih baik aku yang putuskan disini sekarang."
"lebih baik aku yang meninggalkan daripada aku yang ditinggalkan."

kamu percaya karma. lebih baik hentikan berpikir pendek, dan mulai bertanya kepada diri sendiri setiap kali kesempatan datang. apakah kamu melakukannya hanya untuk pembuktian atau kamu memang tulus? karena kalau kamu terus begini, you'll end up alone.

what do i have left?

i always give people chances.

a chance to prove them self.

a chance to prove the words they've said to me.

a chance to get to know me.

a chance to talk.

a chance to explain.

a chance to trick me.

a chance to appease me.

a chance to seduce me.

a chance to persuade me.

a chance to make fun of me.

a chance to show their humour.

when i give them a chance to talk about them self, it doesn't mean that i will trade my stories equally.
i tell them things after i measure how much time i've spent with them.
how much do i trust them.
do they need to know it or do i just tell them harmless things about me.
can i tolerate when i know they just faking their concerns and laugh at my back because i gave them reasons to feel better than me.

when i give someone a chance to introduce oneself, that's when i evaluate them.
if they reveal too much about them self on our first conversation, i will lose interest.
sometimes i felt sorry for them because i can't return their enthusiasm.
but what can i do?
i live from questions and assumptions.
if they answer my questions so quickly, what do i have left?

haih..

mau sepengertian apapun, perpisahan itu emang menyebalkan tau. kenapa sih ga bisa terus bareng-bareng, maju bareng-bareng, tau bareng-bareng?

tiap ketemu orang baru, selalu ada hal yang kita dapat dari mereka. pengetahuan baru. pengetahuan tetap pengetahuan sebagaimanapun remehnya itu.

mungkin tentang musik bagus, band yang sebenernya udah lama tapi kita baru denger karena dikasi tau oleh orang ini. dan ternyata musik itu terus kita dengarkan walau orang itu tidak lagi berkomunikasi dengan kita sekarang.

mungkin tentang suatu website tempat download subtitle yang super lengkap dan super update.

mungkin tentang suatu website tempat baca mangascan yang tidak perlu meng-klik tiap kali beres baca satu halaman.

kenapa sih harus ada masalah yang muncul tiap kali abis dapet informasi baru?

scenario #1 : 'don't apologize. let's get some cigarettes.'

there're a few dark spots on my ceiling, if i'm in the mood to use my imagination i can see a dinosaur sitting on a bench. but tonight i'm seeing more than a dinosaur. i noticed there's also an empty cobweb, hanging pitifully at the corner. and a quiet long cracks i've never seen before, makes me wonder, how many hour have been passed since i lay on my bed? i feel tired, yet my eyes keeps staring at my empty ceiling, which become more crowded the longer i stared at it.

and then i remembered him. he said we can still be friends. yeah, sure, friends. i don't know what kind of feeling this is, but i know i wanna be more than friends. maybe i wanna be his good friend, his dearest friend, the kind of friend who comes first at his mind whenever he wants to have fun.

okay, i was lying. the truth is, whenever i see him (which is not very often) i always feel like i want to 'attack' him. HAHAHAHAH, okay, i know it sounds wrong, weird, a bit freaky. okay, maybe not a bit freaky (but very!), but that's how i felt. not attacking as in attack to hurt him, but, well.. like, to kiss him. okay now i've said it. hahahahaha, it freaks me out too, really, i don't know why but whenever we hang out together with our friends, i just can't take my eyes off him easily. they always keep looking back at him, aware of all the little things he did. especially when he laughed. out loud.

there's always a desire, something that makes me fantasize about jumping at him and then kissing him all over his face. oh god, now i'm scared of myself.

so anyway, today i hanged out with my friends and him also, just the usual meet up. eating dinner, sitting at random fast-food restaurant, gossipping. when i get up to buy a pack of cigarettes, he stands up said that he wanted to buy some water too, so we walked together. a brisk night wind complete my awkwardness.

trying to break the ice i said,'getting cold, isn't it?'

'yeah..'

i didn't know what came into me, but i felt a sudden urge to do something that i knew was stupid and i knew i'm going to regret it but i feel helpless. my brain has done its best to talk reasons to me, but this sudden strange and freaky feeling of mine wins.

'i still like you, you know?', i heard myself firing those words. immediately i knew, i won't regret this.

or i thought i won't.

he didn't seem to hear me because he still walks and didn't say anything. so i step in front of him and tell him once more, made sure that i really mean it and he really hears and understand what i said. 'i said, i still like you. you hear?'. okay now i'm officially being stupid.

he looked at me and said,'yes, i heard you the first time. i know. ...it was quiet obvious actually.'

he stands there, hands in his pockets. and when he looked at me, i can see that his face was a bit red. but i know my face was burning hot and i'm sure it's redder than him.

'okay. good then. ...is it?'

'what is?'

'you knowing me still liking you. ..am i really that obvious?'

'yea i never believe it before when people said you can feel it when somebody was staring at you. but now i know it was true. i can feel you stared at me. quiet often actually.'

damn. why he said it with such a cool annoying manner? since when he become the cool guy??!

'sorry. i can't helped it, i like your face. especially when you laugh, it looks funny', i don't know why i said that but i think it's because i already through the worst part, i felt like i can go all honest with him. i've started this stupidity, i'll just finish it. in one night.

'so that's what you like about me? my face?'

'no. not only your face. maybe it's your aura that i attracted to. you have this kind of...void, that i want to enter. something in your eyes. when you spaced out into your world. i wanna see it too. i wanna see what you saw.'

i never thought about it before, about what part of him that makes me always fixed my eyes at. we stands in front of the convenient store, not yet bought anything. awkwardly.

i tried to look him in the eyes, but i get very nervous so i just throw a glance at his face and then stared at the ground, observing his shoes. it's a nice one, made of dark blue canvas.

i didn't see when he raised his hands, but suddenly they were on my shoulder, both of 'em. warm.

i still can't lift my face, i felt more nervous than before. what was he doing? what's on his mind?? why he acted like this??! hey!!

before i said anything he hugged me. slowly, but i can feel his arms around me, pulling me closer to his chest. oh god, why?

'i'm sorry. i was never a straight forward guy. i think too much, i got scared too often. i can't be with you not because i don't like you, i just can't convince myself that i'd be able to meet your expectation. i might disappoint you. i'm not what you think i am.'

i can hear him talking. i heard every single word that came from his lips. i heard. but i couldn't understand them, seems like my brain couldn't digest them. what was that? what i know is right now i'm in his arms, my face sweating because my heart's racing off the beat. did he just apologized?

i took a deep breath and then slowly pushed my face toward him. and i kissed him. again.

...and he kissed me back.

yes, in front of that 24-hours convenient store.

and yes, there were people watching.

'don't apologize. let's get some cigarettes.'