biarkan aku pulang

kemarin menemukan notebook2 lama yang aku bengkalaikan sejak terkena banjir di kosan lama setahun yang lalu. ada beberapa draft puisi di dalamnya. beberapa sudah saya tulis disini, tapi nampaknya yang ini belum...

judulnya, seperti biasa, diambil dari kalimat terakhir :D


aku, tulang rusuk yang berkelana.
bertualang demi kembali pulang.
karena aku tahu, 
tanpa aku, seseorang di luar sana
belum lengkap.
belum sempurna.

dan aku?

aku rindu pulang, sayang.
berkumpul, bertemu kembali
dengan jantung mu.

sudah agak lelah aku berjalan.
sudah cukup banyak pelajaran
tentang melepaskan yang aku lalui.

sekarang, yang bisa aku lakukan
hanya menunggu mu selesai belajar
dan mulai melangkah ke arah ku.

aku mohon, 
biarkan aku pulang.


juni 16, 2011




haha, pas baca ini agak ketawa sih.
life is truly an adventure. throwing you fate and destinies you can not expect to known before..
enjoy the journey, because all of us have a mutual final destination :)

affection control

aku tidak akan meminta maaf akan gaya menulisku yang tidak pandai berpuisi dan merangkai kata dengan puitis dan indah. aku lebih suka blak-blakan seperti ini. tidak menutupi atau mengganti kata agar terbaca bagus dan rapi.

banyak unek-unek yang ingin aku sampaikan dan tuangkan, tapi tidak bisa bila harus mengerahkan semua isi pikiran ku ke dia. karena i have to keep my cool. walaupun harga diriku bukan disini, tapi kalau aku sampaikan semua yang ada di kepala yang ada dia bakal cape dan muak, hahaha.
ya, aku memang jagonya dalam membuat orang jenuh dan muak dengan segala curahan afeksi ku.

...bener kan afeksi? affection? afeksi? atau aku hanya mengarang kata baru dengan sok tau? biarlah..

ribet ya, saat mulai care tapi tetep harus nge-rem supaya ga bikin eneg orang yg di-care-in.

hahahaha ngaco banget sih bahasa gw..

ya well, penyakit akut yang harus mulai dipaksa untuk belajar ngontrol. demi saya sendiri sih.

heuhh..

disturbingly normal

when all you do is showing your love, showing that you care, showing that you need him too.
showing that you are willing to fight to keep him by your side.

showing that you love him in every chance that you got until saying 'i love you' is not a big deal anymore.  because act is much bigger than the words itself.

have you ever been in a relationship with a guy that you just met but you instantly feel comfortable with? you are aware, totally aware that he's a stranger, you don't know anything about him, you just met him twice.

it feels like there's already a foundation in the relationship and both of you just continue to walk in that road with that already exist foundation.
because it feels very natural, like we already know each other for a long time. we just have to catch up a bit but all is totally under control, we easily understands each other.

it's just.. disturbingly normal.

we just started the relationship for 3 or 4 weeks, but it feels like i've been around him for years. makes me wonder, am i really never met this guy before? never knew him at all? it's just.. too strange. too comfortable, too easy, too familiar..

but i'll keep walking anyway. now that i found him and we're together, there will be a lot of memories we're gonna make in the future :)

or at least that's what i'm hoping for..

mimpi bangun tidur

nganter mama jalan2 di pasar malem, katanya mau beli tahu sumedang terkenal di pasar itu. pas udah nyampe tempatnya, gataunya uda tutup. tapi ada yg jualan tahu sumedang juga di sebelahnya, tempatnya cukup besar, langsung lah mama pesan. mas-mas nya lagi goreng tahu dalam jumlah banyak, pas mama bilang mau beli 2 kotak, dia bilang udah abis, ini smua untuk pesenan orang (yg lagi dia goreng). terus mama ambil semacam sendok bambu besar dan membelah tahu-tahu yg sudah digoreng, untuk melihat isinya, yg ternyata sama mas nya ga digoreng dengan mateng. jadi cuma luarnya aja yg coklat dan crispy tapi dalemnya masih lembek dan ga mateng menyeluruh.

dari pasar, aku dan mama balik ke kosan. kosan ku bentuknya seperti paviliun-paviliun kecil dengan taman di tengah. kamar sebelah ku diisi sama wing-wing dan suaminya, kamar yg di depan...aga lupa siapa yg isi, pokonya perempuan juga dan sekampus. kayanya acha, tp ga gitu jelas sih, lupa mukanya. anyway, karena charger bb lagi-lagi ketinggalan, aku mau pinjem charger ke wing2. tapi dia chargernya aneh, katanya menggunakan tenaga elektromagnetik yg kuat. di mimpi, saat aku menyolokkna kabelnya ke stop-kontak chargernya jd punya kekuatan magnet terus nempel di tangan gw yg baru mau nyolokin charger ke hp -______-. rasanya sih ga sakit, tapi kaget aja tiba2 ada benda metal nempel di lengan, seperti lintah tapi dengan sedikit kerasa gesekan2 listrik. cepat-cepat aku cabut dari listrik supaya dia mati. dua kali kaya gitu, aku melihat dengan bingung ke arah wing2,"ini gimana sih wing?? T^T" oh, ternyata di chargernya ada tombol untuk memberhentikan arus listrik semntara. akhirnya berhasil nge-charge juga.

ga lama ada ketukan di pintu kosan..pas dibuka ternyata datang ponti dengan rombongannya. ada alfi, gem, tama, dan terakhir si cowo ini. gw aga shock ngeliatnya. trus ponti dengan muka sok gatau apa-apa bilang,"kay, katanya dia mau ngomong tuh.." ..err.

trus gw keluar dan sebelum gw ngomong apa-apa, dia bilang,"gimana kalo kita udahin aja semua sekarang? ga berhubungan lagi." abis ngomong gitu dia jalan dengan cepat agak sedikit lari dan gw masih bingung ngejar dia ke arah gang. lalu gw liat dia masuk ke cafe, pas gw ngejar masuk, ternyata di dalem cafe rame dengan temen-temennya (yang ga ada satupun yg gw kenal). trus ada satu yang megang karton putih dengan tulisan 'would you marry me..?'

pas baca tulisan itu gw langsung lemes kaki, jongkok di depan cafe. soalnya asa ga mungkin dia ngelamar, gw kira dia uda kapok dan trauma dengan marriage.
terus aku lihat ada hiasan taman berbentuk sangkar burung warna putih, aku ambil terus aku pake di kepala sebagai topi dan lari dari cafe sambil megangin benda itu (soalnya malu dan i need something to cover my face). merasa bodoh, aku nengok ke belakang dan cowo itu ternyata ngikutin aku sambil jalan santai. akhirnya gw berenti, trus lari ke arah dia. peluk erat sambil ketawa bodoh.

akhirnya kita balik ke cafe. sampe di depan cafe ternyata aku ga pake baju, cuma pake panty doang. dia bilang ke temennya yg cewe untuk ambilin baju untuk gw. sambil nunggu baju dateng aku bilang ke dia,"ah, padahal gw uda ngebayangin ketemu elu di bandara, uda ngebayangin jemput terus pelukan." terus dia cuma nyengir.

"ini kapan nyiapinnya?" aku tanya.
"dari pagi tadi hehehe..." dia jawab.

akhirnya temennya dateng, "nih kaos oleh-oleh dari ... (nama cowo itu). ini juga oleh-oleh nih, tas untuk ngebungkus pisang, lucu deh tasnya bisa dikupas. oiya ini satu lagi ada sofa rakitan, bentuk persis dengan sofa yang kamu dudukin sekarang"

haha, rasanya aneh. terus aku lihat ada temennya yg lagi buka semacam buku, isinya foto2 orang. yang kalo halamannya dibuka dan didiemin, nanti gambarnya gerak seperti video. dan tiap halaman beda gambar, dan tiap gambar akan gerak kaya video kalo halamannya dibiarkan terbuka. mejik!

udah agak kabur sih ingatan soal mimpinya yg kesini2nya, tp aku ingat dia meluk aku, trus gw baca topi yg dia pake tulisannya 'please don't make me pollute my mouth ...trus ada semacam daftar kata2 yg insulting people haha, yah semacam 9gag stuff.

udah sih, kayanya ga lama setelah itu aku bangun.
kirain udah jam 8 dan bakal telat masuk sekolah, gataunya masi setengah 7.
ga mandi deh, cuci muka, ganti baju, make-up an, trus cabut.

....aneh.

want..to..try.. !

Holy Shit, How Can I Do It!

You are going to need three things: a ping-pong ball, a radio with headphones and a red light.

Step 1: Turn the radio to a station with just white noise (static), and put on your headphones.

Step 2: Cut the ping-pong ball in half and tape each half over your eyes.

Step 3: Turn the red light so it's facing your eyes.

Step 4: Sit there for at least a half an hour.

Step 5: Follow Ben Franklin and your new friend, Harold the unicorn, into the gumdrop forest, and live happily ever after.

taken from http://www.cracked.com/article/127_5-ways-to-hack-your-brain-into-awesomeness/?wa_user1=5&wa_user2=Science&wa_user3=article&wa_user4=noincite

excuses

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	High
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	High
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Low
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	High
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Dependent Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Low
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --

masalah pertama

gatau apa memang saya ini sebenernya pemalu atau segitu gampangnya terintimidasi atau mungkin memang self-esteem saya serendah itu, tapi aku merasa kesulitan untuk menatap mata orang saat berbicara. kecuali kalau memang harus, atau kalau saya sedang berbohong, atau kalau saya sedang menggoda.

tapi bahkan saya ga bisa menatap lama2 mata saya sendiri saat bercermin. rasanya malu dan bodoh dan tertangkap basah.

setiap kali saya yakin bahwa saya memiliki rasa percaya diri rendah, saya selalu mendapati bahwa sebenernya rasa percaya diri saya tidak serendah itu. tapi disaat saya butuh untuk merasa percaya diri, saya langsung merasa tidak mampu.

i feel divine

home and comfort zone is whenever i put on my earphones and turn on my music playlist.

home and comfort zone is whenever i look at my surroundings and the people inside it and i smiled because i felt that's the time and place where i truly belong.

my home and my comfort zone will always change, but the feeling is always be the same comfortable and loving. when i see the people i care about is around me, within my reach and all laughing and smiling with sincerity, that's when i feel home.

my comfort zone is whenever i feel carefree, when i am able to do anything without worrying the consequences of hurting somebody. when i can do anything with no worries about the future i'm making.

i feel divine whenever i captured a moment, smiled silently saving all the details to my treasure chest that i fill only with memories that i knew will only happened once in my lifespan.

trust me,

it's paradise.

this is where the hungry come to feed.

for mine is a generation that circles the globe

in search of something we haven't tried before.

so, never refused an invitation.

never resist the unfamiliar.

never fail to be polite.

and, never outstay your welcome.

just keep your mind open,

and suck the experience.

and if it hurts,

you know what?

it's probably worth it.

you hope, and you dream.

but you never believe

that something is going to happen for you

not like it does in the movies.

and when it actually does,

you expect it to feel different.

more visirale,

more real.

i was waiting for it to hit me.

i still believe in paradise.

but now at least i know,

it's not some place you can look for.

'cause it's not where you go,

it's how you feel for a moment in your life.

and if you find that moment,

it lasts forever.

Orbital and Angelo Badalamenti 

(from the movie The Beach)

wasted days

holla!

i know having friends are important and even if you have a lot of time and money but you have no one to shared it with, then you have nothing.

okay maybe it's not always like that. you can always have a quality time for yourself, go to the spa, get a warm massage, re-do your hairstyle and so-on.

but when you realized that what you need is a company from your close circle, but they're not available, i mean you of course have many friends, but when they're unreachable at the same time, then what? and you're not in the mood for that lonely quality time.. yeah, that's sucks.

wasting the time, even be too lazy to eat. just sit and smoke and cold water. makes you feel that you need more friends, you need to make more circles.

pheww.. i hope this kind of time won't come again.

this is one of my reason why i want to leave Jakarta, to resign from my job now. maybe move to Bandung again, because the distance isn't so far there and i have more options of circle to mingle. but in Bandung, i will spoiled my self again for sure.

so, what will i do now? still too early to go to bed, but i'm already tired from the day.

jujur

jujur.

saya kangen dipeluk.

dan dicium semuka-muka.

stronger

i know that i'm not alone. i never be completely alone. i always have a friend or two who will always get my back whenever i need.
but, somehow by thinking that i'm alone in this world teach me to never really depend on anybody.
to think that i don't really have any true friend pushed me to be stronger.


it's a lie, right?
what i wrote above was a lie, right?

everybody knows, you're in your weakest when you are alone.
you're weak when you think you are alone, and you will be truly weak when you know that you are alone. when you truly know that you don't have anybody to turn to.

scenario #2 : "can we kiss?"

udara malam itu terasa renyah saat aku menghirup nafas dalam-dalam. jantungku mulai berdetak lebih cepat karena tiba-tiba kami berjalan sambil diam.

malam ini kami janjian untuk makan malam, yang ternyata berlanjut menjadi kencan pertama. obrolan kami seru dan sudah nyambung dari awal. aku yakin bukan hanya aku saja yang merasakan adanya maksud lain dari tertawa ringannya dan sapuan lembut tanganku saat mencoba membaca garis tangannya.

sambil berjalan perlahan, kami tenggelam dalam pikiran masing-masing. aku tidak tahu apa yang di dalam pikirannya, tapi yang jelas pikiran ku aktif membayangkan segala skenario yang mungkin terjadi di penghujung kencan ini. tetapi sebenarnya yang bikin aku sangat penasaran adalah bagaimana rasa genggaman tangannya. ya, dari semua bentuk affection, bergandengan tangan adalah favorit ku. dan tangan laki-laki ini nampak begitu kuat dan hangat.

akhirnya kami berhenti di tengah taman kota, dan duduk di bangku taman. masih diam. masih canggung.

"kenyaaaaaang..!" ujar ku, berharap dia untuk memulai topik bahasan lain.

tapi hanya hanya nyengir dan menggelengkan kepala. ..aku merasa bodoh.

tiba-tiba tangannya berada di atas kepalaku, dan perlahan mengarahkan wajahku ke depan wajahnya. jantungku semakin berdebar dan otakku berteriak-teriak,'APA?? KENAPA?? KENAPA DIA BEGINI?? DIA MAU APA?? OH TIDAK, OH TIDAAAAKK!! jangan ketawa, please, jangan mengakak di depan mukanya, oh aku mohon semoga wajahku tidak tampak bodoh.. aduh aduh kenapa ini, dia mau appaaaa??!' berisik sekali di dalam kepalaku, tapi untungnya tidak ada sepatah kata pun yang keluar dari mulutku.

sampai akhirnya dia mendekatkan wajahnya.. sepertinya dia akan menciumku.

"tunggu." terdengar keluar dari mulutku. "tunggu sebentar."

saling menjauhkan wajah, dan tangannya pun diturunkan dari atas kepalaku.

setelah menghela nafas, aku berkata,"maaf, sekarang aku tidak bisa lagi mencium orang sembarangan. apalagi kalau ternyata ini ciuman hanya karena terbawa suasana." fiuh. agak kaget karena aku berhasil mengatakannya, ternyata otakku masih berfungsi.

dia tersenyum dan memalingkan wajahnya, menatap ke depan. sebelum dia mengatakan sesuatu, aku segera menambahkan,"bukannya aku gamau ciuman sama kamu lho, pengen banget malah. tapi takut ini cuma main-main buat kamu nya. karena sekarang aku sudah ga butuh hubungan yang main-main, dan dalam hubungan main-main pun aku serius. jadi kalau sekarang kita ciuman lalu besok-besok kita tidak ada kelanjutan, aku yang repot."

setelah jeda yang terasa lama, akhirnya dia menjawab,"kenapa kamu pikir aku orang sembarangan?"

"karena selama kita kenal, baru sekali ini kita jalan berdua aja. dan baru jalan sekali masa langsung ciuman?"

"kenapa engga? chemistry nya udah enak ko. ya kan? kamu juga ngerasa kan?"

"iya sih. tapi tetep aja kan belum ada kejelasan. ga bisa dong tiba-tiba nyodor bibir tanpa ada obrolan sebelumnya?"

terdiam sejenak. lalu sambil menghela nafas dia bilang,"dasar perempuan."

"kenapa??" ujarku, merasa tersinggung.

"ribet," jawabnya sambil mengacak-acak rambutku.

kami saling diam, memerhatikan mobil yang lewat sesekali.

tidak tahan dengan kecanggungan ini, aku pun bertanya,"jadi gimana?"

"gimana apanya?"

"ciumannya.." jawaban bodoh tapi jujur, dan aku bisa merasakan peredaran darah di wajahku yang tiba-tiba menjadi cepat.

"hmm. jadi harus jadi pacar dulu baru boleh nyium?"

jawaban tak terduga. dasar cowok sialan. mukaku semakin panas dan nafasku memendek. tidak tahu harus menjawab apa.
daripada diam akhirnya dengan muka bodoh aku bilang,"..hah?"

"hahahahahaha, muka kamu bego banget deh, ahahahahahh!" dia malah tertawa. baguslah, suasanya akhirnya menjadi lebih cair.

"ya abisnya tiba-tiba nanya gitu.." gumam ku salah tingkah. ah sial, kenapa sih aku ga bisa akting cool?

lalu dia meneruskan,"jadi lebih aneh abis kencan pertama langsung ciuman, atau abis kencan pertama langsung ngajak pacaran?"

"kayanya abis kencan pertama mendingan dianter pulang, mikir semalem dulu dibawa tidur, trus lihat besok saat bangun tidur hal pertama apa yang ada di dalam pikiran kita. gimana? oke kan?"

"jadi mau pulang aja nih sekarang?" tanya nya, nampaknya berharap masih bisa duduk lebih lama. tapi aku sudah terlalu salah tingkah dan tidak tahu harus bersikap bagaimana kalau duduk lebih lama lagi.

"iya. pulang aja yuk. gapapa kan?" tanya ku berbasa-basi, karena sebenarnya aku tidak terlalu peduli dia apa-apa atau tidak. aku ingin cepat pulang dan lompat ke atas tempat tidur.

"oke." jawab nya santai. kenapa dia santai sih? kenapa dia ga salah tingkah juga?! ah, menyebalkan.

dia berjalan di depan ku, kedua tangannya dimasukkan ke dalam saku jeans nya. aku masih penasaran dengan genggaman tangannya.

sudah kepalang malu, aku bertanya,"eh..boleh gandeng tangan, ngga? hehe"
walau tadi ciumannya aku tolak, tapi semoga dia masih mau meminjamkan tangannya.

untungnya, dia tidak menjawab apa-apa, tapi langsung mengeluarkan tangannya dari saku jeans dan menggandeng erat tanganku.

bahagia.

senyum sepanjang jalan pulang.

mungkin nanti di depan pagar rumah aku yang akan menciumnya, setelah meminta dia untuk menjadi pacarku.

live with it.

it's not like i'm talking to you into blaming yourself for every stupidity you've done in your last years of living.  i just wanna tell you that it was you, yourself, who've made those decisions.

even if it was somebody else who has talked you to choose a bad decision, but it was actually you who chose the final option, the one who chose which way to take.

yea i'm just saying that regrets won't brings you nowhere.

just make sure that you've realized that you've made a mistake. you took the wrong way, chose the wrong words, apologized, and then live with it. live with your mistakes, do not deny them. accept and live with it.

so you've made a mistake, so did everybody else.
so you've said something terrible, but you have your own reasons and conditions.
okay maybe you just did something bad with no reason, well then, do not whine about it.
if you knew you're gonna get a negative response but you still did it anyway, then do not come crying and whining when everybody gives you a terrible look.

you can't make everybody's happy, you can't fulfill everybody's will.
and you can't always get what you wanted either.

so choose wisely. and if you wanna take a risk, understand the consequences first. then, if you think you're ready, then do it.  and if it isn't come out the way you think it'll be, then it's okay. you've made the decision, you understand the risks, now you just have to live with 'em. learn how to deal with your problem after you made a bad decision. do not deny it because the past is fixed, you can't change 'em.

you just have to ... live with it.

just stop whining, okay?
because however things turned out to be, it's always your decisions, your final decision, that'll bring you out from it or bring you deeper into it.

evaluasi

rasa penasaran dan obsesi karena pride yang tergelitik oleh aura misterius seseorang yang nampaknya sulit untuk ditaklukan padahal orang itu tidak bermaksud untuk bersikap misterius atau apapun, hanya kamu dan imajinasimu yang menimbulkan ilusi bahwa manusia ini harus kamu taklukan sehingga rasa penasaran dan obsesi itu kamu salah arti kan sebagai rasa suka yang berlebih dan keyakinan bahwa kamu ingin bersama orang ini dan siap menerima dia apa adanya dengan segala kelebihan dan kekurangan nya. dan satu poin besar yang nampak dangkal tapi sangat berpengaruh dalam memberi kamu energi untuk terus mengejar dan menunggu dia adalah karena wajahnya yang bagus. dan karena dia single. dan dia nampak seperti he could use some help, you feel like he needs to be fixed. dan kamu suka merasa dibutuhkan, padahal itu semua hanya ada di dalam kepala mu.

kamu pikir kamu jatuh cinta, padahal harusnya kamu lebih tahu dan lebih paham dari siapapun tentang apa itu cinta, dan bagaimana rasanya jatuh cinta. oke, mungkin tidak lebih tahu dari semua orang, tapi setidaknya cukup dapat membedakan lah. atau setidaknya seharusnya kamu hafal rasanya ingin memiliki dan rasanya membutuhkan, karena kamu sering merasa ingin memiliki, tapi kamu baru sekali merasakan membutuhkan seseorang.

akuilah, kamu hanya ingin memiliki dan menaklukan orang ini.
oh ya, tapi kamu tipe yang jalan dulu baru bangun bersama pelan-pelan.
tapi kalau begitu kamu egois, seenaknya. dan kalau kamu sudah terlanjur memberi harapan dan di tengah jalan kamu sadar bahwa ternyata bukan orang ini jawabannya, bagaimana?
putuskan secepatnya sebelum semua berlarut-larut, yap, senjata andalan mu.
seenaknya dan sangat egois.

"harus ada yang berperan sebagai antagonis."
"mungkin peran ku dalam hidup dia adalah dengan mematahkan hatinya, jadi dia bisa menjadi orang yang kuat dan tidak naif dalam memandang dunia."
"oke, aku mulai bosan. nampaknya bukan dia yang aku cari. sebelum semua berjalan lebih jauh, lebih baik aku yang putuskan disini sekarang."
"lebih baik aku yang meninggalkan daripada aku yang ditinggalkan."

kamu percaya karma. lebih baik hentikan berpikir pendek, dan mulai bertanya kepada diri sendiri setiap kali kesempatan datang. apakah kamu melakukannya hanya untuk pembuktian atau kamu memang tulus? karena kalau kamu terus begini, you'll end up alone.

what do i have left?

i always give people chances.

a chance to prove them self.

a chance to prove the words they've said to me.

a chance to get to know me.

a chance to talk.

a chance to explain.

a chance to trick me.

a chance to appease me.

a chance to seduce me.

a chance to persuade me.

a chance to make fun of me.

a chance to show their humour.

when i give them a chance to talk about them self, it doesn't mean that i will trade my stories equally.
i tell them things after i measure how much time i've spent with them.
how much do i trust them.
do they need to know it or do i just tell them harmless things about me.
can i tolerate when i know they just faking their concerns and laugh at my back because i gave them reasons to feel better than me.

when i give someone a chance to introduce oneself, that's when i evaluate them.
if they reveal too much about them self on our first conversation, i will lose interest.
sometimes i felt sorry for them because i can't return their enthusiasm.
but what can i do?
i live from questions and assumptions.
if they answer my questions so quickly, what do i have left?

haih..

mau sepengertian apapun, perpisahan itu emang menyebalkan tau. kenapa sih ga bisa terus bareng-bareng, maju bareng-bareng, tau bareng-bareng?

tiap ketemu orang baru, selalu ada hal yang kita dapat dari mereka. pengetahuan baru. pengetahuan tetap pengetahuan sebagaimanapun remehnya itu.

mungkin tentang musik bagus, band yang sebenernya udah lama tapi kita baru denger karena dikasi tau oleh orang ini. dan ternyata musik itu terus kita dengarkan walau orang itu tidak lagi berkomunikasi dengan kita sekarang.

mungkin tentang suatu website tempat download subtitle yang super lengkap dan super update.

mungkin tentang suatu website tempat baca mangascan yang tidak perlu meng-klik tiap kali beres baca satu halaman.

kenapa sih harus ada masalah yang muncul tiap kali abis dapet informasi baru?

scenario #1 : 'don't apologize. let's get some cigarettes.'

there're a few dark spots on my ceiling, if i'm in the mood to use my imagination i can see a dinosaur sitting on a bench. but tonight i'm seeing more than a dinosaur. i noticed there's also an empty cobweb, hanging pitifully at the corner. and a quiet long cracks i've never seen before, makes me wonder, how many hour have been passed since i lay on my bed? i feel tired, yet my eyes keeps staring at my empty ceiling, which become more crowded the longer i stared at it.

and then i remembered him. he said we can still be friends. yeah, sure, friends. i don't know what kind of feeling this is, but i know i wanna be more than friends. maybe i wanna be his good friend, his dearest friend, the kind of friend who comes first at his mind whenever he wants to have fun.

okay, i was lying. the truth is, whenever i see him (which is not very often) i always feel like i want to 'attack' him. HAHAHAHAH, okay, i know it sounds wrong, weird, a bit freaky. okay, maybe not a bit freaky (but very!), but that's how i felt. not attacking as in attack to hurt him, but, well.. like, to kiss him. okay now i've said it. hahahahaha, it freaks me out too, really, i don't know why but whenever we hang out together with our friends, i just can't take my eyes off him easily. they always keep looking back at him, aware of all the little things he did. especially when he laughed. out loud.

there's always a desire, something that makes me fantasize about jumping at him and then kissing him all over his face. oh god, now i'm scared of myself.

so anyway, today i hanged out with my friends and him also, just the usual meet up. eating dinner, sitting at random fast-food restaurant, gossipping. when i get up to buy a pack of cigarettes, he stands up said that he wanted to buy some water too, so we walked together. a brisk night wind complete my awkwardness.

trying to break the ice i said,'getting cold, isn't it?'

'yeah..'

i didn't know what came into me, but i felt a sudden urge to do something that i knew was stupid and i knew i'm going to regret it but i feel helpless. my brain has done its best to talk reasons to me, but this sudden strange and freaky feeling of mine wins.

'i still like you, you know?', i heard myself firing those words. immediately i knew, i won't regret this.

or i thought i won't.

he didn't seem to hear me because he still walks and didn't say anything. so i step in front of him and tell him once more, made sure that i really mean it and he really hears and understand what i said. 'i said, i still like you. you hear?'. okay now i'm officially being stupid.

he looked at me and said,'yes, i heard you the first time. i know. ...it was quiet obvious actually.'

he stands there, hands in his pockets. and when he looked at me, i can see that his face was a bit red. but i know my face was burning hot and i'm sure it's redder than him.

'okay. good then. ...is it?'

'what is?'

'you knowing me still liking you. ..am i really that obvious?'

'yea i never believe it before when people said you can feel it when somebody was staring at you. but now i know it was true. i can feel you stared at me. quiet often actually.'

damn. why he said it with such a cool annoying manner? since when he become the cool guy??!

'sorry. i can't helped it, i like your face. especially when you laugh, it looks funny', i don't know why i said that but i think it's because i already through the worst part, i felt like i can go all honest with him. i've started this stupidity, i'll just finish it. in one night.

'so that's what you like about me? my face?'

'no. not only your face. maybe it's your aura that i attracted to. you have this kind of...void, that i want to enter. something in your eyes. when you spaced out into your world. i wanna see it too. i wanna see what you saw.'

i never thought about it before, about what part of him that makes me always fixed my eyes at. we stands in front of the convenient store, not yet bought anything. awkwardly.

i tried to look him in the eyes, but i get very nervous so i just throw a glance at his face and then stared at the ground, observing his shoes. it's a nice one, made of dark blue canvas.

i didn't see when he raised his hands, but suddenly they were on my shoulder, both of 'em. warm.

i still can't lift my face, i felt more nervous than before. what was he doing? what's on his mind?? why he acted like this??! hey!!

before i said anything he hugged me. slowly, but i can feel his arms around me, pulling me closer to his chest. oh god, why?

'i'm sorry. i was never a straight forward guy. i think too much, i got scared too often. i can't be with you not because i don't like you, i just can't convince myself that i'd be able to meet your expectation. i might disappoint you. i'm not what you think i am.'

i can hear him talking. i heard every single word that came from his lips. i heard. but i couldn't understand them, seems like my brain couldn't digest them. what was that? what i know is right now i'm in his arms, my face sweating because my heart's racing off the beat. did he just apologized?

i took a deep breath and then slowly pushed my face toward him. and i kissed him. again.

...and he kissed me back.

yes, in front of that 24-hours convenient store.

and yes, there were people watching.

'don't apologize. let's get some cigarettes.'

cenghar

cenghar.
pengen nulis.
tapi nantinya malah jadi curhat.
idung masih meler.
tapi cenghar, padahal abis minum obat flu.

walau udah tau bahwa waktu seru dan menyenangkan itu ga akan keulang, tapi tetep aja terus lupa dan lagi-lagi berharap malam yang menyenangkan itu akan ada lagi dan akan ada lagi dengan komposisi orang yang sama dengan waktu yang tidak terbatas. jadi pengen tinggal bareng satu rumah, tiap orang dengan kegiatan dan kesibukan masing-masing tapi tiap malem pasti ngumpul. tiap hari pasti ada orang di rumah. kalo sakit, pasti ada yang bisa direpotin. kalo dapet berita pasti ada tempat untuk sharing.

tuh kan. saya itu mahluk sosial. gimanapun berusaha untuk sok-sok penyendiri dan misterius, tetep aja ujung-ujungnya saya kangen sosialisasi. walaupun waktu untuk absentism pasti ada, tapi tetep kangen nunggu orang-orang pulang balik dari rutinitas. nunggu ada cerita apa yang mereka bawa. kangen ngekos di sangkuriang. kangen ngontrak di gempol. kangen tidur leyeh-leyeh di saninten, ketawa-ketawa dan nonton film tiap malem.

pengen deh ngontrak lagi di jakarta. sama orang-orang yang kita pilih sendiri. teman-teman dekat. mumpung masih 25. walau mungkin cuma punya waktu 1-2 tahun sebelum semua semakin sukses dan berpencar. entah kenapa rasanya semakin takut untuk maju. padahal saya sudah sadar pilihannya hanyalah meninggalkan atau ditinggalkan. tidak akan bareng-bareng selamanya.

saya itu orang yang posesif. karena saya butuh untuk dibutuhkan. karena saya orang yang insecure. selalu butuh kepastian bahwa akan selalu ada orang untuk pegangan.

tuh kan, curhat.

saya bosan hidup sendiri jauh dari mana-mana. bukannya minta pacar atau pasangan hidup buru-buru, tapi pengen ngontrak bareng aja sama teman-teman dekat.

move!

doing a reverse psychology by insulting life for being so boring, hoping it'll throw me a bigger adventures and dramas.

your move now.

ridiculous story

that's why i can't be a marketer, because i can't sell things that me myself don't wanna buy. and with the same reason as that, i always stuck with my writing. every stories that i wanna make will have a plot that'll full with coincidences, a play of fate. but because i've never actually been in that kind of situation, i can't believe with what i'm about to write. i will see it as a nonsense, a ridiculous stories.

wish one day the universe will strike me with the most impossible kind of coincidence and a play of fate.

biggest fear

my biggest fear is being forgotten.

yet, not so long ago, i have choose to forgetting someone. i don't know if it was a right thing to do or not. but i know i always hate what i become every time i feel close to him. i really missed him though, but i can't go near him.

second thing i fear most is not having a friend.

and that is what i feel right now. i don't know, maybe it's because i'm expecting an ideal kind of friendship. i want, or i need somebody who relies on me so i can rely on them too. but right now, i can't rely on anybody because there's nobody relying on me.

to whom should i seek a soothing voice? to tell me there's nothing to be worried?

so this is why i really need someone to need me.
because i will need them too. because i will know where to run when i need someone to sooth me. because i will always be there too if that someone needs me.
but if nobody runs to me, then to whom should i run to?

and don't tell me about god and prayer, please.
just..not that.

W I S H E S

If, by any chance, i walked in a random forest, in one of any exotic land in random country. I took a glimpse of a strange looking bottle, or glass vase, and then i reach for it and examine it. I rubbed it with my sleeves, clean it from dirts and earths, make it shines.

And then suddenly the bottle shakes, and shaking hard it was it slips from my hand. A big clump of smoke pouring out from it, dark purple mixing with dark blue smokes, so big I forgot to recognize what kind of smell it brings. I was very surprised and a bit frightened with the sudden smoke and while my eyes are stil following the flowing smoke through the canopy of trees, a figure formed in front of me. When the smokes are all fading to the sky, I return my gaze to the strange bottle laying in ground. But, before my eyes got to the bottle, a deep gleaming gold-purple pair of iris fixed it stare at me. I froze.

The figure feels that I was intimidated. And I just realize I was staring at him, not that I wanted to. Now I knew what everybody has been saying when they saw a ghost it'll be very hard to cut the eye contact. I just stare, and I can feel it knows that I was intimidated.  The odor of fear was oozing slowly from my body, and the figure can smell it.

"HHHHHHHHHHAH! HHHAH! HHHAH! HHHAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!"

He laughed. A real out loud. Top of his lung. In front of me. I can smell a rotting dampness coming out from his mouth. I saw a line of large yellowish teeth, and i noticed both of his canine tooth are broken. And then I can feel my knees are shaking fast and i slumped down to the ground. My eyes're still fixed to those gleaming gold-purple irises.

"HUMAN. YOU RELEASES ME. ARE YOU AWARE OF WHAT YOU'VE DONE AND WHAT CONSEQUENCES YOU'VE BRING TO YOUR FATE?"

He talks with strange accent, sounds a bit like singing. His voice are deep and low, and kind of whispering but still loud to hear.

I already overcome my fear, but my knees were still a bit shaky.

"..N..no. Y..yes. Erm.."

I stand up and look him in the eye once again, gathering my words then answer,"yes, Sir, I just realized that i have released something from that bottle, it was you in it. And no, I don't know what consequences I have bring to my fate. Now may I know what you are? And maybe your name too, thank you."

"I AM DJINN. DJINN IS NOT MY NAME, IT IS WHAT I AM. MY NAME IS THE ONLY THING I HAVE NOW, THE ONLY THING I HAVE FOR MY OWN, I WILL NOT GIVE MY NAME TO YOU. BUT I CAN GIVE YOU WHAT HUMANS LIKE YOU USED TO CALL ME WITH.. YOU CAN CALL ME RAMMON. NOW, DO YOU HAVE ANY FURTHER QUESTION BEFORE I TELL YOU THE CONSEQUENCES YOU HAVE BRING TO YOUR FATE?"

I know I should feel terrified, scared to death, or just go fainting. But actually, I feel kinda excited. This is the adventure where I finally become the main character. The one I've been waiting all of my 25 years life. And no, I don't feel scared, I don't feel terrified, I didn't even feel dizzy. I just a bit shocked, but a good kind of shock.

"Hmm, maybe one question. Who sealed you inside that glass-bottle-vase? How many years ago? Is that some kind of punishment ?"

"THAT IS NOT ONE QUESTION, THAT IS THREE. BUT I WILL ANSWER YOU ANYWAY. YES, IT WAS A PUNISHMENT. 2.393 YEARS AGO. THE HUMAN WHO HAS HAD SEALED ME WAS NOT AN ORDINARY HUMAN. THE MOSLEMS CALL HIM PROPHET ISA. THE REST OF YOU KNOWN HIM AS JESUS." "WHAT NAME DO YOU CALL YOURSELF, HUMAN?"

"Oh yeah, I'm sorry, I asked you your name but I haven't give you mine. You can call me Liam. Interesting, your story..." before I finished, he cuts my sentence while stepping closer to me, "IT WAS NOT A STORY. IT IS A FACT. WHAT I SAY IS ALL TRUE. I DO NOT LIE. I DO NOT TELL STORY," his eyes glaring with shock and a bit of anger.


"Okay, okay I'm sorry. It wasn't a story. All you say is facts. Okay. Okay, so, what do you do now? What consequences you were talking about earlier? What business about my fate?"


"YOU ARE THE ONE WHO RELEASES ME, LIAM THE HUMAN GIRL. YOU HAVE ASKED ME EARLIER, THREE QUESTIONS, SO NOW I WILL GRANT YOU THREE WISHES. WISH WISELY, FOR YOUR WISHES WILL TAKE YOU TO ANOTHER PLACE AND A TOTALLY DIFFERENT FATE."


I maybe not a curious person, but actually I have imagine this very thing quite often before. What will I wish if a wild Djinn appear in front of me. And yes, I have settled the three wishes.

"Okay, Rammon the Djinn, now I will tell you my first wish."

"SO FAST. REMEMBER, DECIDE WISELY."

"Yes, I know. I already thought about this. My first wish is, I wish I have immunity for all diseases. Can you grant my wish, Rammon?"

"SURPRISING CHOICE. A LITTLE BIT TRICKY, BUT YOUR FIRST WISH HAS BEEN GRANTED. NOW, WHAT IS YOUR SECOND WISH, LIAM THE HUMAN GIRL?"

"Do I have to say them all today? At this very time? And please, just call me Liam, no need for the human girl gibberish."

"YES, LIAM. THREE WISHES IN ONE DAY.  NOW, WHAT IS YOUR SECOND WISH?"

"Okay then. My second wish is, I wish I am a genius in writing stories and literature. Can you grant my second wish, Rammon? Or is it too difficult for you?"

"DON'T BE TOO SMUG, LIAM. YOUR SECOND WISH HAS BEEN GRANTED. NOW YOU ARE A GENIUS IN WRITING STORIES AND LITERATURE. NOTHING IS TOO DIFFICULT FOR ME. NOW, WHAT IS YOUR THIRD AND FINAL WISH, LIAM?"

"My third wish is..."

"OH YOU'VE BEEN PREPARING YOUR WISHES, HAVEN'T YOU, LIAM? DO YOU ALREADY KNOW THIS DAY WILL COME TO YOU? YOU'VE BEEN CHOOSING A STRANGE WISHES, NOT LIKE ORDINARY HUMAN WHO WILL DIRECTLY ASKING FOR WEALTH AND FEEDING THEIR LUST FOR POWER AND SHALLOWNESS.  WHO YOU REALLY ARE, HUMAN GIRL?"


"Yes, actually yes, I am already know what will I wish for if I accidentally release a wild Djinn.  There are stories about Djinn who grant wishes, and they usually asking for dumb things. Things that will disappear quickly because of their shallowness.  And I already decided what will I ask if I have the opportunity. I'm just an ordinary 25 years old human, I just become extra-ordinary today because I found your bottle earlier." "What will happen to you after I asked my third wish, Rammon? Will you just disappear, or you'll stay with me?"

"I SEE. SO YOU HAVE REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT THE THESE WISHES. GOOD, THEN. VERY GOOD. AFTER I GRANT YOUR THIRD WISH, I MAY GO, BUT I MAY STAY IF YOU ASK ME TO." "NOW, LIAM, WHAT IS YOUR THIRD AND FINAL WISH? CHOOSE WISELY"

"My third and final wish is, I wish I never ran out of luck.  Can you grant my final wish, Rammon?"

come softly to me

when i was 4 years old my dad brings us to the States for a year. we live in dallas, texas. the year was 1991. my younger years filled with old music, music my dad's love and he play them everyday. so automatically i love 'em too. i still listen to 'em until now. simon & garfunkle, queen, elvis presley, the beatles, the everly brothers, ..and so on.

there is this one song that i remembered, and i liked it so much but nobody knows what the title was. nobody even recognize the song when i sang it. i don't remember the whole lyrics, i just remember the opening of the song was like ..'ndoo bee doo dum dum, dum ndoo dum, ndoo bee doo..'
nobody knows, even when i asked my ex, who claims he knows most of the old tunes.

i always thought the singer was the everly brothers, but i was wrong.
for years the song keeps haunting me.
until one day --i forgot what day exactly-- and i don't know why i haven't write about it immediately after  i finally knows who sings it and what the title is.

what i know is, ever since i finally knows the title, the singers and the lyrics, that song keeps popping as movie's soundtrack. so far, i've heard it in 3 movies. how annoying!
why do i heard it AFTER i found it. why am i not seeing those movies a bit earlier?!

LOL..
anyways, here.. i'll put the lyrics here..
enjoy!

Mm dooby do, dahm dahm
Dahm do dahm ooby do
Dahm dahm, dahm do dahm, ooby do
Dahm dahm, dahm do dahm, ooby do
Dahm dahm, dahm ooh dahm
Mm dooby do

(Come softly, darling)
(Come softly, darling)
(Come softly, darling)
(Come softly, darling)

(Come softly, darling)
(Come to me, sta-ay)
(You're my ob-session)
(For ever and a da-ay)

I want, want you to kno-o-ow
I love, I love you so
Please hold, hold me so tight
All through, all through the night..

(Speak softly, darling)
(Hear what I sa-ay)
(I love you always)
(Always, always)

I've waited, waited so long
For your kisses and your love
Please come, come to me
From up, from up above

(Come softly, darling)
(Come softly, darling)
I need, need you so much
Wanna feel your wa-arm touch

Mm dooby do, dahm dahm
Dahm do dahm ooby do
Dahm dahm, dahm do dahm, ooby do
Dahm dahm, dahm do dahm, ooby do
Dahm dahm, dahm ooh dahm

what?

you still wanna know who's song that is?

selamat!

dulu saya punya teman. teman dekat. kadang suka saya anggap sahabat yang tidak harus berada di satu lingkungan pertemanan tiap saat, tapi kalau kita ketemu semua akan diceritakan blak-blakan. walaupun ga ketemu, kadang masih suka nyapa di ym.

lupa sih kapan mulai menjauhnya, tapi sebelumnya sih udah biasa kalo ngilang 3-6 bulan. trus tar tiba-tiba ketemu di kampus, ato ngobrol di ym dan semua waktu 3-6 bulan itu bisa diceritakan semua segala detail catch-up nya.

tapi iya deng, dia selalu menjauh saat punya pacar.

saya ga masalah sih. ya iyalah, apa yang mau dimasalahin? hahahaha.

yasudah. saya selamatin deh. hehe. turut bahagia kok :D

blank

have you ever wanted to write something original and smart without a meaningful effort?
you thought about something that you've done. browsing your memories trying to find something that you've never seen before..but you've found nothing.

subconscious

"subconscious; that infuriating part of a person's brain which never responds to interrogation, merely gives little meaningful nudges and then sits humming quietly to itself, saying nothing." 

- Dirk Gently
 The Long Dark Tea-Time Of The Soul, authored by Sir Douglas Adams

be mine or be gone

be mine or be gone
i want you then i hate you
you wanted me then you left me
make up your mind

be mine or be gone
you've made up your mind
and i'm still bewildered
because you're gone

you were messing with me
with all of me
wish i could blame you
but i chose this

wish i never gave you the opportunity
wish i never let you do your magic

and now you're backing away
and i never get my explanations

flipped

so.. i watched another "great after taste" movie..

FLIPPED.

quoting grandpa Chet :

" you can't dwell on something that might've, Bryce."

" that's not fair, you can't condemn him for something he hasn't done."

" you know Bryce, one's character is set at an early age. i'd hate to see you swim out so far you can't swim back."

"it's about honesty, son. sometimes a little discomfort in the beginning..can save a whole lot of pain down the road."

i know my character has already been set, and i know i've been swimming in the dirt for a while.. i know i can't swimming back to my early age, but maybe i could try to change my direction while swimming. to go to a better place to swim, to avoid the dirts.. maybe.
well of course not all the dirt, but the quite big one..

anyway, this movie's great. it's based on a novel, no surprise there.
now i have to try to always remember this 'enlightenment', that i've learned and i want to change.

i wanna prove myself that i still care about me.
that i still love myself.
..okay that's enough.

hmm..

the great after-taste [movies]

these are movies that have a great 'after-taste'.
yeap, i called it 'the after taste', because i dozed up after i seen them. for the first time.
no, sorry, i dozed up every time i watch 'em. just got my mind ..blown. wandering, wondering..
if you want some inspiration for your dream, watch it before you sleep :)

i'm not putting the order based on anything, okay?  i don't rank them, they have their own taste.

of course there must be other movies that i forget to include, so this list absolutely going to expand.

so yeah, you can judge me by my taste in movies after seeing this post :D

rare super couple

i just watched Adjustment Bureau, a bit late maybe, but i had my mind blown. makes me think. at first i thought the movie was about politician story or other serious matter, but apparently it wasn't.

makes me think, there are super couples in this world, scattered around the world, a very rare couple that no matter what they have to be together. no matter what, they'll find their way to each other again and again. by accident or just by chance.

you wish you were those couple, maybe now you start to thinking that maybe you were, but sorry, you're not. no.
oh, but you're single, and you're thinking that maybe you'll bump into someone and then you'll become one of the chosen couple. i'm sorry again, but no, it won't happen to you.
neither of you.
why?
because i'm writing this.
because i'm single, and i'm writing this, and i, too, really wish i could be that super rare couple. to meet someone who'll crazily in love with me, he'll fight destiny and find me and win me back.
maybe the younger me would believe it. maybe now i'm too old too dull for hoping something like that.
and why you can't be those couple too? because i say so.
because i'm the envy.
because being happy is a bit hard for me.
no, i won't let anybody be happy if i still this miserable.

anyways.
the adjustment bureau is one of the movie that makes me wondering, makes my mind blown.
it was based on a short story, i thought it would be based from a novel.
good. very good.

fate, destiny, free will and stubbornness.

..mehh, i don't even think that i have the last two of it :)) *lol

moon

just watched a movie : Moon. starred by Sam Rockwell, which also casted as Zaphod Beeblebrox at The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy.

Moon, gave me a mellow feeling from the start. about an astronaut who live in a station on the moon, alone. only him and Gerty the computer.
i don't know why i'm writing about it, but i think it's because the after taste was great.

look, i'm suck in reviewing anything, books, movies, songs, ..anything.
this movie got 8.0/10.0 in IMDB, so i downloaded it. and i agree. nice movie.

because you are

put on a bold dark red lipstick and kiss savagely, smudging the reds all over your lips.

put on the darkest mascara and sweat, ruin them.

laugh while you smoke, and feel sexy.

because you are.

one dream down, lots to go

so, yesterday one of my dream has come true.
to watch L'Arc~en~Ciel perform in front of me.
to see them in real life.
it's been 10 years since i become their fans.

Flower, is the first song that i heard.
my senior recommended it to me, and i love it right away.
and of course love at first sight with Hyde's cute face, haha.
i remembered collecting his pics at the internet and then print it out in photo paper, put it in my wallet.
blushing every time i open it.

and then i collect their concert vcd's, and their video clips as well.
i even cried when i saw their concert in vcd.
just so awesome.

i listened to their song every day and night.
searched for the lyrics, and sing a long.
until i can sing without seeing the lyrics.
and then i wanted to know the meaning of the song.

so i borrowed my friend's japan dictionary.
and searched the words that often been sung.
then i started learning japanese.
and their lyrics are beautiful.

i love their music, i love their stories, i love their lyrics.
i love them.

i hope they'll come again.

shame on me

oh yes i am a sensitive person. i can be over sensitive sometimes.
i usually sensitive about something that involve my feeling, or something that really non of my business.
for instance, a thing about people's relationship.

whether it's about someone's love life, or someone's friendship.
to see their happy and sincere faces on the pictures makes me drop a tear.
strange.

it's funny how answers pops out of no where when i write.
when i wrote this post, i just saw my friend's photos with her best friends, and i like seeing their smiley faces, happy and really happy. and i started wondering how they start their friendship, things they've been through. and i dropped a single tear. ...then i write this post, wondering why am i so sensitive about such thing.

then, the answer came.
i remember that i'm the envy of 7 sins.
i envy them, that's why i cried.
i wish i was one of them.
but then again, i remembered my own best friends.
i have those who's still with me from the start.
i have those who's still with me even though i don't know what to do with them.

shame on me.

or, i just see them as a story. a story about best friends from college and still be best friend even when they have graduated and walk a different path. and that kind of story always be my weakness.

'maaf'

saat kamu melakukan kesalahan yang sangat, sehingga mengucap kata 'maaf' terdengar seperti gurauan konyol yang tidak pada tempatnya.
tentu saja kamu merasa bersalah.
tentu saja kamu harus meminta maaf.
tapi kamu sendiri tahu kata 'maaf' tidak sekuat itu.
kamu tahu 'maaf' tidak akan menyelesaikan semuanya.
bahwa 'maaf' mu terdengar begitu kecil dan tolol dihadapan kesalahan berat mu.

tapi karena kamu tahu kamu bersalah, kamu memaksakan untuk berkata 'maaf' meski tahu kata itu tidak akan mengubah apa-apa. kamu bahkan tidak berharap 'maaf' mu diterima.
kamu tahu kesalahanmua sebesar itu, kata 'maaf' menjadi basa-basi hanya karena itu satu-satunya kata yang diucapkan saat seseorang mengaku dia bersalah dan menyesal.
meski kamu tahu kata itu sudah tidak berarti.
karena kekecewaan dan marah tidak akan reda semudah kata 'maaf'.

sisi baiknya?
setidaknya kamu sudah merendahkan diri untuk mengucap 'maaf' meski tahu itu sia-sia.
setidaknya kamu sadar bahwa kamu salah dan menyesal.
dan tidak mengharapkan 'maaf' mu dapat memperbaiki semuanya.

7 years

today my long lost close friend in high school made a contact.
a really great surprise!
it's been 7 years since i saw her.
makes me think how much have i changed?
quiet many.

i've ate many things i never eat before.
i've drank drinks i've never drank before.
i've been places i've never been before.
i did things i never thought i'd do.

i'm not changing, just have more experience.
been through many situations.
hard and easy.

next week, i'll hear her 7 years.

how long

hating is the easiest way to forget, to leave behind things you've dearly loved.

to leave behind someone or something that left you at the first time.

you can't find the reason to leave them, so you hate them.

it's easy. just grow your anger, grow your sadness.

tell yourself that you've been betrayed, so you can have a reason to hate.

but to hate something you truly love is quiet difficult.

you have to lie to your heart constantly.

because it knows that you just need a reason to move on.

so it'll stop telling you the truth.

and then you move on.

forget everything, and tell everybody that you're okay.

of course you're okay. you wanted to be okay, so, you're okay.

but you're still telling your heart every night not to think about it.

just keep reminding why you hate.

the question is..how long can you hate?

how long can you refuse to face the truth?

it is tiring. but it's the easiest way.

treasure

jadi ya guys,
beneran deh,
pilih sahabat dulu yang bener sebelum milih pacar apalagi calon suami.

karena menjaga hubungan persahabatan dan pertemanan itu jauh lebih rumit dan sensitif dibanding pacaran.

emang sih ada pilihan you and me against the world.

kenapa butuh teman yang solid?
karena teman ada sebelum kamu ketemu si pacar, selama kamu menjaga hubungan sama si calon, dan siap menangkap saat kamu putus sama suami.

jadi,
kalo saran saya mah, saat kamu sudah menemukan teman-teman yang lebih keras kepala dari kamu dan kamu merasa dihargai, dibutuhkan dan bisa menjadi lebih baik karena mereka, treasure them.
embrace them, make them feel important too.

you don't have to share all of your secrets to them. just do what you think is right.
pasti kalian juga punya pertimbangan masing2 kan soal apa kapan dan siapa untuk bercerita?
dan posisikan diri juga untuk ngerti kalo sikap salah satu teman kamu aneh.

hahh..sebenernya saya bukan orang yang tepat sih untuk berbicara soal teman.
tapi yah..pandangan adalah pandangan.

mungkin

seperti bertahan, bergantung kepada satu kenangan.
berusaha untuk terus mengingatnya, mengulang lagi tiap detailnya di dalam kepala.
terus dan terus, agar kenangan itu tidak hilang.
tapi waktu tetap menggerogoti, dan semuanya pudar perlahan.
tapi kau terus bertahan dengan terus menginganya lagi dan lagi.
karena kamu takut bila kamu lupa dengan detailnya,
maka kamu akan lupa dengan perasaan mu.

lalu kamu bertemu dengannya kembali.
dan hati mu melesak.
nafasmu memendek.
tangan mu menjadi dingin.
dan matamu lelah mencuri pandang.

lalu kamu terus berteriak bahwa ingatan itu nyata.
bahwa itu adalah memori, bukan bayangan.
bahwa perasaan mu itu nyata dan masih ada.
dan kamu tidak ingin mengakui bahwa sebenarnya,
mungkin semmua hanya semu.

mungkin.

haha. sukurin.

sayang itu sayang,
dan move on itu pasti.

aku memang selalu bilang,
tidak ada yang harus di dunia ini.
tapi move on itu pasti,
karena waktu itu tidak menunggu.

mungkin sekarang aku menunggu
mungkin besok aku ditarik pergi.
mungkin sekarang aku sayang kamu.
mungkin besok aku lupa siapa aku.

aku punya banyak semoga.
aku akan kasih kamu satu semoga.
semoga aku ada di pilihan pertama,
saat orang itu tidak kunjung datang.

haha.
sukurin.

past.

isn't it sad, thinking about memories of old times always succeed to sooth me.
like when i woke up tonight, i felt so miserable, empty and confused.
searching for old friends that i knew they've known me for a long time.
talking with somebody who've said that he's willing to understands me.
but still the hole inside me is gnawing gently.

then the music of past playing on my shuffled playlist.
returning the good old days of my younger years.
returning the feeling of being the old me.
the young me that still think innocently about life.
and it soothes me.

that i've been in a better places.
that i've felt a better feelings.
that i've met a lot of nice people.
that i've loved more than once.
that i've been loved more than once.

now i'm longing.

because i know those days won't come back.
i just have to build the new one.
i have to achieve those good old days once more.
in the future.

when i'm not certain about the future,
i just have to dip my whole into the past.
it'll revive me.
it never fails me.

good old times.
good old pals.
good old musics.
good old memories.

past.

i owe you my whole life.

someone

expecting someone as in...um,
this someone is already on the way to pick you up.. soon?

keep expecting, i wish you the very best luck.
but if he's not coming, then..
you can look back, at me.

i'm here.
standing where i am now.
if you don't mind,
you can walk by my side.

if that someone can make you happy,
then good.
but if he's not coming,
then c'mere.

i'll roam around,
but i won't be too far.
still on your sight range.
until you off with that someone.

haha. so funny.

i think i'm scared now.
i'm so scared.
that i feel i'm a real freak, nobody wants to try to understands me.
and it will always be me, who tried to understands them.
to always do what they expect me to do.
it is so scary.

i'm a real complicated, yet i feel like i'm not that complicated.
the reason behind my weird act was actually really simple.
i'm just a scared kid.
scared of the world.
i hurt too many people.
i've been hurt by many people too.
i thought it would never affect me.
but i'm not getting better,
i'm being worse.

i thought i got stronger,
but no.
not at all.
what am i to do?

i'm not a good friend,
why should i expect to have a good friend?
maybe they're good, so it's logic if they leave me.
why should they stand by my side?
i'm useless.
i'm rude.

i'm just, not worthy.
right?
nobody can stands me.
haha, it's understandable.
even i can't stand me.

haha.
so funny.

smile!

rasanya seperti sesuatu yang berharga, yang sangat berharga, yang kamu simpan dan jaga baik-baik.
meski dalam hati sangat ingin kamu pamerkan ke semua orang, tapi kamu tahan-tahan karena kamu tahu kalau kamu lakukan, maka sesuatu itu akan hilang.
atau lebih tepatnya, tidak akan terjadi.

meski kamu sudah tau bahwa hal itu tidak akan terjadi,
tapi setidaknya kali ini kamu sudah berusaha untuk tidak menggembar-gembor kan sebelum ada kepastian.

rasanya seperti hal penting yang kamu simpan dan tahan baik-baik agar tidak habis, tiba-tiba dihabiskan oleh orang lain. dalam semalam. tanpa segan-segan.
kamu tahu betapa kesalnya saya?

gw nahan untuk ga cerita itu, selain karena itu bukan hal yang pantas untuk diceritakan, tapi aku juga kasihan sama orang itu.
aku merasa semakin bersalah.
dia pasti malu.
memang orang-orang ga akan bahas depan dia, tapi justru lebih buruk.
diomongin di belakang.
dan tentu saja, ditertawakan.

sahabat ya?
bukannya justru harusnya lebih mengerti ya?
aku memang bukan yang paling dekat.
apa aku sudah bersikap seakan aku sangat percaya pada kalian?
tidak.
aku masih selalu merasa seperti orang lain.
dan kali ini,
aku tidak akan meminta maaf.

aku tahu ini karma ku.
karena aku tahu, aku jadi bisa ambil pelajaran dan semakin tercerahkan,
tapi tetap aku akan mengijinkan diriku untuk merasa kesal.
dan malu.

aku kasihan sama dia.
lebih kasihan sama diri sendiri.
karena nampaknya sebentar lagi aku sudah tidak akan punya teman lagi.
tentu saja karena aku terlalu menaruh percaya pada mereka.
tentu saja karena aku yang mendorong mereka untuk menjauh.

kalau soal teman, aku memang sensitif.
lebih banyak kriteria untuk teman daripada untuk pacar.
lebih susah menjadi teman yang baik, daripada jadi pacar yang baik.
ngerti kan?

tidak heran aku sedirian dan memunggungi dunia.

:)

we pretend

saat kamu mencoba menjadi cewe keren.
yang walalu sakit tapi tidak ingin orang tau.
yang ingin tampak kuat di depan orang-orang padahal sebenarnya kamu sudah hampir gila.
tapi itu bukan karakter mu.

ya.
sayangnya kamu butuh perhatian mereka.
perhatian itu adalah sumber energi mu.
jadi awalnya kamu akan pura-pura kuat.
tampak keren, seakan semua masalah adalah remeh,
dan kamu bisa menghadapi semuanya dengan senyum.

lalu saat perhatian padamu mulai berkurang,
kamu akan bercerita kepada mereka.
memancing pertanyaan.
memasang muka sedih dan sakit hati.
saat seharusnya luka itu sudah mulai sembuh.
dan kata-kata hiburan dari tiap orang kamu nikmati,
dan beberapa kamu tertawakan dalam hati.

kamu benci saat orang bilang kamu kuat.
karena kalau kamu kuat, maka tidak banyak perhatian yang mereka berikan padamu.
karena kalau kamu kuat, mereka akan menyakiti mu dengan lebih ringan,
tanpa beban kamu akan menjadi cacat.
masalahnya kamu tahu bahwa kamu kuat.
tapi kuat mu itu semu.

di luar kamu memang kuat,
tapi itu hanya selongsong.
kamu sudah kering dan keropos di dalam.
lalu kamu berharap kalau kamu bisa menjadi kuat.

lalu kamu memandang rendah semuanya.
agar kau bisa merasa di atas, kau memandang rendah semuanya.
tapi kamu tau itu hanya sejenak, maka kamu nikmati waktu itu.
kamu merasa semuanya bodoh, dan hanya kamu sendiri yang mengerti semuanya.
ada nama untuk keadaan itu. membohongi diri sendiri.

2 minutes kiss

you know that i like you, like you. don't you?
i don't know your answer.
what i know is, i leaned and thrust my lips against yours.
and you kissed me back.

and i can still feel them.
and i still don't know your answer.
what i know is, i really like you, like you.
what i can understand is, you didn't like me, like me.

i just remember the first two seconds.
i can't remember how it ends.
but i like you, like you.
though you don't like me, like me.

but it's okay.
at least i've steal your kiss.
for two minutes long.
thank you, alcohol.

tears and all

because i hear what i wanna hear.
because i see what i wanna see.
because i feel what i wanna feel.
because i live how i wanna live.

because when i encounter something that didn't match what i wanted it to be,
my brain will automatically erase it.
or edited it, so my heart didn't get too much damage from it.

tonight, i wish someone was looking for me.
wish someone thinking about me and asked them self where have i been.
and not only thinking, they also texted me and ask where were i.
say that they suddenly think about me, and missed me.

how can i feel important when i can't see them proving?
but then again, maybe someone did say they missed me,
but i ignored it because they're not the one i wanted.

silly  me.
yes i am silly, stop telling me what am i.
i know what i am.
it's just.. sad.

i feel lonely.
yeah.
i'm choking now.
tears and all.

sepi cuy

ujian. 

hidup itu ujian. ukh, apa ini baru awal nulis sudah kelam.

tadi abis nonton Thor, trus jadi sadar bahwa bumi itu sebenarnya emang tempat pengasingan, tempat untuk menghukum, tempat pembuangan pembangkang, tempat untuk introspeksi diri.

kalo kata buku-buku agama cerita nabi adam memang benar sih, ya berarti dari awal tempat ini memang tempat untuk orang terhukum yang dibuang dari tempat asalnya ya. 

hahaha, sudah ga perlu dipikirin lebih lanjut. notes ini bukan soal itu ko.

sepi, juga bentuk ujian. doh.

ingat-ingat siapa orang pertama yang pengen dihubungi, dan kenapa?

saat tempat tinggal jauh dari mana-mana.

dan sama-sama malas menghampiri.

sepi itu saat ngemil enak tapi ga bisa pamer.

sepi itu pengen dicari tapi akhirnya selalu nyari duluan. dan gagal.

sendirian emang ga selalu berarti kesepian, sih.

dan tipis perbedaan antara sepi dan bosan.

harga diri dan rasa malu.

ditambah rasa malas yang berlebihan.

berharap ada yang mengajak tapi, hei, tempat tinggal saya jauh.

merepotkan.