lesson learned about dealing with bad decision

free will means (in my humble opinion) that, you make your own path, you make your own decision, no one, not even 'god' knows which path you will choose, which way you will make. meaning, you are on your own. all of the consequences (good or bad) that you've made is entirely happened because of you decision.

now. isn't that sounds a bit...heavy?

i mean, of course it makes you respect more about decision making and think before decide-it-anyway.

but me, i prefer to see it in a more flexible way. i'm not that mentally strong person (nor physically), so i decided that i'm not strong enough to carry the concept of having free will. i like to pretend that i have tho'.. like, when it happens, when i thought i've made a bad decision and the effect after that is too hard for me to get through it, i always reminded myself that i'm the one who make the first decision. i already know the consequences, but i do it anyway. so i won't put the blame to anyone else but me.

but, if it's still too heavy, then i switch my mind set to not-believe-in-free-will.

i'll say to myself that, this is meant to be.

i was meant to think that i've made a wrong decision, but there must be something good come out from that situation. then i'll tell myself to keep calm, whatever happen, happens.

so, the rules are :

- think wisely before you decide.

- think about the consequences and the worst case scenario, is it worth the action? do you really really want to do it even after you aware of the consequences? if yes, then do it.

- you've hurt someone else because of your decision? feel guilty until you promise your self you won't do the same mistake in the future.

- don't let guilt dwarf you. remember, everything goes with a reason. you might not meant to hurt someone but if someone gets hurt anyway, think that this might be your role. that someone might have to be hurt by you (or someone else) for their own good. because being hurt can make people more mature and will make them stronger. if they can't handle being hurt and be a bad person because of that, then that's their problem, that's their decision. not yours anymore. the most important thing is you feel guilty, you regret, but you learn from it, forgive yourself and move on.

- open your mind. if you're in a bad situation, always remember that there's no one to blame but yourself.

- moaning and compalining about it will just make you worse. because nobody wanna be friends with a moaner and complainer. 

- knowledge your mistakes, accept, and deal with the problems. if it's too heavy, you can always blame god or the universe for it. but don't stop trying your best.

- you can complain, but you also have to know that complaining too much without thinking about solution will just make you a b*tch. and you'll lose your friends. and that's not their fault.

- don't forget that you can always start again. losing someone that you love dearly is not an easy task, but you will have to get through it anyway.

...

yeah well, i'll be 26 soon. so maybe this is some lesson i've learned in my 25 years of being human.

the result from daring the Universe

so. i can say that it started about 6 months ago.
when i easily get bored of my life. no zest, no new things, a bit flat.
so i dared the Universe to prove that they're that powerful, to give me more surprises, more big surprises, nothing that i can expect.

and then it starts.

first, i met this guy. never meant to make him my lover in the first place, but it turns out he's the best guy i ever had after my ex. i'm in love again but still in control. he's a keeper.

second, i resigned from my job being a teacher. so impulsive, spontaneous. even though i wasn't that ready but i quit anyway.

third, i used my last salary to take an introductory class of glass workshop in singapore. i was told by my boyfriend that he has a good friend that's also a glass artist, and she open a workshop class. so i bought a one-way ticket to singapore and live in my teacher's  house, while taking the workshop and doing some errands for her. i've made myself useful and helping her because she let me lives on her house. but in the end, she still gives me some money because she appreciated my works.

fourth, one of my boyfriend's goal is to travels southeast asia before he turn 31. i never thought that i will ever be able to go with him pursuing that dream. but he got payment from his last project, and there's still some money left so he asked me to go with him, traveling southeast asia. started from singapore, took a bus to kuala lumpur, took a sleeper train to hatyai thailand, took another sleeper train to bangkok, took another sleeper train to chiang mai, took a local bus to chiang rai, hitchhiked toward chiang khong until we found a local transport, crossed the mekong river to huay xai laos, took the speed boat to luang prabang, took a bus to vientiane, took a bus to thakaek, had the thakaek loop 3 days trip, took a bus to don khong, hitched a ride to don det, took a bus to strungtreng cambodia, took a bus to phnom penh, took a bus to saigon vietnam, then took a flight back to singapore.

fifth, on the night after i got back in singapore, i wrote again to universe on my fb status. daring what to do next. and the next day i found a letter from my glass teacher, offering me a stable job to be her assistant, she even gave me a cellphone as a gift. i was speechless. so fast, universe. haha.

sixth, my plan when i was deciding i want to resign is go to bali and find a job there. and yet, i got stuck in singapore much more longer than my plan. after i got that job offer from my glass teacher, i was quiet sure that live in singapore will be my future. but then, my boyfriend's friend who works in bali was searching for someone to do some accounts job. so my boyfriend linked him to me. and i get interested in the job because it's in bali like my first plan, and it's an accounts job that i really wanna learn. and that's when i got depressed. it was very dilemmatic, in one side, working in singapore will give a very good point on my cv and i know my help is needed there. but on the other side, i really wanna go to bali. it's my plan A. but after a long thought, i chose bali.

seventh, that last day in singapore i still have some works to do before i can leave in peace. my flight was at 6.35pm, and i should've been there at least 2 hours before my flight hour. but at 5.10 i was still standing on the sidewalk trying to haul a taxi. panicking and crying, i was really afraid that the check-in gate will be closed when i get there. then desperately i took a bus to the airport, and when i get there the check-in gate is still open. relieved, felt stupid, laughed (while murmured 'fuck you universe).

eighth, when i decided to go to bali anyway, there's still a chance i might not get the job in here. because they still wanna interviewed me in person first before they agree to hire me or not. but then i got hired, and found a safe place to live, at least until august.

so. right now, i'm gonna stop daring the universe. i mean, i'm gonna dare it again in the future, but not anytime soon. it was a very effective method to have an exciting road in life. you should try it. the key is, don't be afraid of what might come, do not hesitate, do not over-think, and always wear your best attitude wherever, whenever.

good luck, keep breathing and don't panic!

yet

that stage when i cried alone and no one know because there's nobody around me.
i just break there, wounds open and nobody knows. then i just star to lick my wounds, ick and lick until it feels better. better enough to put on a smile.
i hate that stage. because i was forced to be strong.

i never was a strong one. but i have to.
and i never get used to it.

i think people see me because they think i'm strong, but they're wrong.
i'm tired being strong.
because they won't feel that bad when they leave me.

i'm tired to be the one that have to understands.
that's why sometimes i pick the role as antagonist.
hurting people on purpose.
not good. i know.

i may appear strong, but that's because i don't trust you yet.

biarkan aku pulang

kemarin menemukan notebook2 lama yang aku bengkalaikan sejak terkena banjir di kosan lama setahun yang lalu. ada beberapa draft puisi di dalamnya. beberapa sudah saya tulis disini, tapi nampaknya yang ini belum...

judulnya, seperti biasa, diambil dari kalimat terakhir :D


aku, tulang rusuk yang berkelana.
bertualang demi kembali pulang.
karena aku tahu, 
tanpa aku, seseorang di luar sana
belum lengkap.
belum sempurna.

dan aku?

aku rindu pulang, sayang.
berkumpul, bertemu kembali
dengan jantung mu.

sudah agak lelah aku berjalan.
sudah cukup banyak pelajaran
tentang melepaskan yang aku lalui.

sekarang, yang bisa aku lakukan
hanya menunggu mu selesai belajar
dan mulai melangkah ke arah ku.

aku mohon, 
biarkan aku pulang.


juni 16, 2011




haha, pas baca ini agak ketawa sih.
life is truly an adventure. throwing you fate and destinies you can not expect to known before..
enjoy the journey, because all of us have a mutual final destination :)

affection control

aku tidak akan meminta maaf akan gaya menulisku yang tidak pandai berpuisi dan merangkai kata dengan puitis dan indah. aku lebih suka blak-blakan seperti ini. tidak menutupi atau mengganti kata agar terbaca bagus dan rapi.

banyak unek-unek yang ingin aku sampaikan dan tuangkan, tapi tidak bisa bila harus mengerahkan semua isi pikiran ku ke dia. karena i have to keep my cool. walaupun harga diriku bukan disini, tapi kalau aku sampaikan semua yang ada di kepala yang ada dia bakal cape dan muak, hahaha.
ya, aku memang jagonya dalam membuat orang jenuh dan muak dengan segala curahan afeksi ku.

...bener kan afeksi? affection? afeksi? atau aku hanya mengarang kata baru dengan sok tau? biarlah..

ribet ya, saat mulai care tapi tetep harus nge-rem supaya ga bikin eneg orang yg di-care-in.

hahahaha ngaco banget sih bahasa gw..

ya well, penyakit akut yang harus mulai dipaksa untuk belajar ngontrol. demi saya sendiri sih.

heuhh..

disturbingly normal

when all you do is showing your love, showing that you care, showing that you need him too.
showing that you are willing to fight to keep him by your side.

showing that you love him in every chance that you got until saying 'i love you' is not a big deal anymore.  because act is much bigger than the words itself.

have you ever been in a relationship with a guy that you just met but you instantly feel comfortable with? you are aware, totally aware that he's a stranger, you don't know anything about him, you just met him twice.

it feels like there's already a foundation in the relationship and both of you just continue to walk in that road with that already exist foundation.
because it feels very natural, like we already know each other for a long time. we just have to catch up a bit but all is totally under control, we easily understands each other.

it's just.. disturbingly normal.

we just started the relationship for 3 or 4 weeks, but it feels like i've been around him for years. makes me wonder, am i really never met this guy before? never knew him at all? it's just.. too strange. too comfortable, too easy, too familiar..

but i'll keep walking anyway. now that i found him and we're together, there will be a lot of memories we're gonna make in the future :)

or at least that's what i'm hoping for..

mimpi bangun tidur

nganter mama jalan2 di pasar malem, katanya mau beli tahu sumedang terkenal di pasar itu. pas udah nyampe tempatnya, gataunya uda tutup. tapi ada yg jualan tahu sumedang juga di sebelahnya, tempatnya cukup besar, langsung lah mama pesan. mas-mas nya lagi goreng tahu dalam jumlah banyak, pas mama bilang mau beli 2 kotak, dia bilang udah abis, ini smua untuk pesenan orang (yg lagi dia goreng). terus mama ambil semacam sendok bambu besar dan membelah tahu-tahu yg sudah digoreng, untuk melihat isinya, yg ternyata sama mas nya ga digoreng dengan mateng. jadi cuma luarnya aja yg coklat dan crispy tapi dalemnya masih lembek dan ga mateng menyeluruh.

dari pasar, aku dan mama balik ke kosan. kosan ku bentuknya seperti paviliun-paviliun kecil dengan taman di tengah. kamar sebelah ku diisi sama wing-wing dan suaminya, kamar yg di depan...aga lupa siapa yg isi, pokonya perempuan juga dan sekampus. kayanya acha, tp ga gitu jelas sih, lupa mukanya. anyway, karena charger bb lagi-lagi ketinggalan, aku mau pinjem charger ke wing2. tapi dia chargernya aneh, katanya menggunakan tenaga elektromagnetik yg kuat. di mimpi, saat aku menyolokkna kabelnya ke stop-kontak chargernya jd punya kekuatan magnet terus nempel di tangan gw yg baru mau nyolokin charger ke hp -______-. rasanya sih ga sakit, tapi kaget aja tiba2 ada benda metal nempel di lengan, seperti lintah tapi dengan sedikit kerasa gesekan2 listrik. cepat-cepat aku cabut dari listrik supaya dia mati. dua kali kaya gitu, aku melihat dengan bingung ke arah wing2,"ini gimana sih wing?? T^T" oh, ternyata di chargernya ada tombol untuk memberhentikan arus listrik semntara. akhirnya berhasil nge-charge juga.

ga lama ada ketukan di pintu kosan..pas dibuka ternyata datang ponti dengan rombongannya. ada alfi, gem, tama, dan terakhir si cowo ini. gw aga shock ngeliatnya. trus ponti dengan muka sok gatau apa-apa bilang,"kay, katanya dia mau ngomong tuh.." ..err.

trus gw keluar dan sebelum gw ngomong apa-apa, dia bilang,"gimana kalo kita udahin aja semua sekarang? ga berhubungan lagi." abis ngomong gitu dia jalan dengan cepat agak sedikit lari dan gw masih bingung ngejar dia ke arah gang. lalu gw liat dia masuk ke cafe, pas gw ngejar masuk, ternyata di dalem cafe rame dengan temen-temennya (yang ga ada satupun yg gw kenal). trus ada satu yang megang karton putih dengan tulisan 'would you marry me..?'

pas baca tulisan itu gw langsung lemes kaki, jongkok di depan cafe. soalnya asa ga mungkin dia ngelamar, gw kira dia uda kapok dan trauma dengan marriage.
terus aku lihat ada hiasan taman berbentuk sangkar burung warna putih, aku ambil terus aku pake di kepala sebagai topi dan lari dari cafe sambil megangin benda itu (soalnya malu dan i need something to cover my face). merasa bodoh, aku nengok ke belakang dan cowo itu ternyata ngikutin aku sambil jalan santai. akhirnya gw berenti, trus lari ke arah dia. peluk erat sambil ketawa bodoh.

akhirnya kita balik ke cafe. sampe di depan cafe ternyata aku ga pake baju, cuma pake panty doang. dia bilang ke temennya yg cewe untuk ambilin baju untuk gw. sambil nunggu baju dateng aku bilang ke dia,"ah, padahal gw uda ngebayangin ketemu elu di bandara, uda ngebayangin jemput terus pelukan." terus dia cuma nyengir.

"ini kapan nyiapinnya?" aku tanya.
"dari pagi tadi hehehe..." dia jawab.

akhirnya temennya dateng, "nih kaos oleh-oleh dari ... (nama cowo itu). ini juga oleh-oleh nih, tas untuk ngebungkus pisang, lucu deh tasnya bisa dikupas. oiya ini satu lagi ada sofa rakitan, bentuk persis dengan sofa yang kamu dudukin sekarang"

haha, rasanya aneh. terus aku lihat ada temennya yg lagi buka semacam buku, isinya foto2 orang. yang kalo halamannya dibuka dan didiemin, nanti gambarnya gerak seperti video. dan tiap halaman beda gambar, dan tiap gambar akan gerak kaya video kalo halamannya dibiarkan terbuka. mejik!

udah agak kabur sih ingatan soal mimpinya yg kesini2nya, tp aku ingat dia meluk aku, trus gw baca topi yg dia pake tulisannya 'please don't make me pollute my mouth ...trus ada semacam daftar kata2 yg insulting people haha, yah semacam 9gag stuff.

udah sih, kayanya ga lama setelah itu aku bangun.
kirain udah jam 8 dan bakal telat masuk sekolah, gataunya masi setengah 7.
ga mandi deh, cuci muka, ganti baju, make-up an, trus cabut.

....aneh.